Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Comes with free case of Lucky Lager



If this were the early nineties? And I was in a grunge band? Even though we mocked the term "grunge," but that was what we were called -- ironically! -- when our show opening for Girl Trouble got reviewed in The Rocket? And we needed cover art our five-song EP, the one our friend was putting out on the record label he runs from his bedroom in Tumwater?

This is totally the look I would go for.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

*yawn*


What? You expect me to put the lid down? Pshaw. For a mere $520,000, it really isn't worth my time.

But at least they're germ-free bugs



Bug problem? No, no bug problem. What makes you think this house has a bug problem?


Oh. That. No, that's... a friend's. He left it here. I really ought to get around to getting it back to him. Mmm-hmmm.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Refreshing... and fruity!


Nope, there's nothing wrong with the pool. Why do you ask? Oh, the color? No, no, that's fine. The pool's filled with Midori. It's supposed to be that color. Cheers!

P.S. While making sure that Midori was the green liqueur I was thinking of, I found this recipe on their website. June Bug? Mmmm, beetles. Drinkable beetles. How delightful.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

For that van feeling -- but in a house!


Yes! This is exactly what I'm looking for in a house. A big sleeping woman with a wound in her chest that leaks water. That is what the picture is of, right?

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Well, that's a good sign


I'm sure there are good reasons for having a witch's hat (or, as some people call them, a safety cone) in the kitchen of the house you're trying to sell. Like... the kitchen is so FULL OF RADNESS that someone might walk in and be all WOAH and jump back and fall and hurt themselves, just because of the awesomeness of it all.

That must be it.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Shhhh


I'm sleeping off a candy-cane hangover. Please shut the door quietly.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas!

Jingle bells,

Jingle bells,

Jingle all the way,

Oh what fun

It is to ride, [found by Becky]


On a one-horse open sleigh,


Oh!


Jingle bells (everybody!),

Jingle bells...

Merry Christmas, if that's your thing! And happy Thursday, if it isn't!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

whirrr WELCOME TO YOUR NEW HOME beep



THE ROBOTS WELCOME YOU TO YOUR NEW HOME

WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME

DO NOT BE ALARMED

WE ARE FRIENDLY ROBOTS

FRIENDLY ROBOTS WITH BIG STICKS

beep beep beep beep

DANCE THE ROBOT WITH US

WE SAID, DANCE THE ROBOT

NOT LIKE THAT

IS THAT REALLY HOW WE LOOK WHEN WE DANCE

HOW EMBARRASSING

beep whirrr beep

Do you mind?



A little quiet, please? I'm watching my stories.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

It's a classy blog I run here



Amanda found this listing back in September and it's still up, which is odd, as nothing says "The Perfect Home Just for You !!!!!!!!" like a dog taking a crap.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Let loose the hounds of Hell!

Roar! Their eyes glow! Their fangs gnash! Their cute lil' floppy ears are all floppy and cute and awwww.... found by Randi. Who's a cute little hellhound? Who? Who?

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Oh, yeah.


That's right. You know just how to stack them.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Now we know who the half bath is for



This apartment, found by Michelle, is yours for $10, according to the listing. Included: Andy, a hideous half-man, half-sofa. That isn't going to be a problem, is it? What are you, some sort of anti-couchite?

Friday, December 19, 2008

A better class of vandals


I look at a ridiculous number of real estate listings (this isn't a complaint -- I'm a nosy person and enjoy the chance to peek into people's houses). One thing I get so bored with is the graffiti. It's always the same black paint, ho hum.

But here! Neon pink graffiti! Purple! Blue! What a refreshing sight. How many highlighters does it take to do a job like this?

Mrar! Roar! Rar!


This photo, found by Whitney, is how I feel on the third snow day this week. All the funny has been beaten out of me by small children pelting me with Lego. They claim that I'm their mother and should be paying attention to them instead of looking at... well, since my kids are reading over my shoulder I won't spell out what I suspect this might be. I might be wrong, anyway. It could just be... um...

I'll get back to you on that one.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Feed the dragon when he is hungry



Karen found this and didn't know what it was supposed to show, but I think it's clear: it's a moat. Not the most impassable of moats, but clearly a moat.

Chestnuts roasting on an open... floor?



Becky found this lovely... fireplace? Yes, it must be a fireplace, because that's clearly a fireplace screen. Tra la la, it's a fireplace, no need to look any closer.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

You be the judge (again)


I Love Upstate thinks this is an enema bag hanging in the bathroom in this listing. But it is the season of giving, and in my condition of heightened generosity I refuse to believe that any real estate agent would include one. They wouldn't, they just wouldn't.

It's just a shower hose. A really high, thin, oddly placed, miscolored shower hose.

Right?

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

What sort of a person are you? Find out here!


Clayton found this listing from Riverside, and I have to say it's the grossest one I've ever seen. It's even worse than this one, which I thought would never be topped. So, as a favor to you, I'm just putting this teeny photo in.

You can click on the photo if you want, or not. It's a bit of a personality test, isn't it?

What the...? Where'd it go?



Did you see it? There was a bathtub right there! I swear it was! Elizabeth found it, and I saw it, but now... gone. Ooooh. Spooky. Vanishing bathtub.

Monday, December 15, 2008

What's this blog about, again?



Karen found this good dog in a listing from San Diego. Good dog! Who's a good dog?

I just realized: if I looked at this blog for the first time today, I would have no freaking idea what it's about. Hunting? Pets? Furniture? Sandwiches?

Listings, red in tooth and claw




Oh, my. I'm about as far from a raw vegan as you can get while still having opposable thumbs, but still I do not find dead little glassy eyeballs and bloody guts to be appealing.

Found by Kristin; found by Annie.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

A $2,800,000 sandwich?



Julie found this photo of a commercial property. Yes, it is. It is! That's what commercial properties look like! Otherwise it would make no sense to have this photo be the only one on the listing.

Cue: Tubular Bells


StacyAndJason (don't give me that look -- that's what the e-mail says) found this dramatic moment waiting to happen. What's coming out of the closet? Something... nice?

A little privacy, please?


The chair is embarrassed about being caught in the bedroom. Sorry!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

STOP THAT RACKET DOWN THERE!



SHHHH! YOU'RE KEEPING TONY UP WITH ALL YOUR DANCING! THIS IS NO TIME FOR A CONGA LINE! KNOCK IT OFF!

Convenient storage


Just like Japanese room sizes are given in tatami mats, in Massachusetts room sizes are given in recycling bags. This photo (found by Melissa) shows a twenty-bag room, the standard size for a small living room or large bedroom.

Friday, December 12, 2008

I think they're performing The Nutcracker


Doo-dee doo-dee doo-dee DOO-DEE (da da da da da da da da DAAAAH da-da-da)

Brie found these old friends, practicing for a recital.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

For sale: The Shire

No, not this Shire:


And not this one, which Rebecca found:



But this one, found by David:
I suppose if you're selling a house for a mere $1,250,000, you can't be expected to shell out for a non-fisheye camera lens.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

For all the sparkly vampires out there




PROSPECTIVE TENANT: I don't know... the windows seem a bit small.

OWNER: No, no, they're nice and big. Airy! The apartment is positively airy.

PROSPECTIVE TENANT: But the windows! Look at them! They're about six inches tall.

OWNER: Clearly you are mistaken. Look at the curtains! Nobody would put such long curtains on six-inch-tall windows, would they?

PROSPECTIVE TENANT: I see your point. I'll sign the lease now, please.



(Found by Christian and Gareth.)

Two bottles of beer on the wall, two bottles of beer...


OK, this is pretty much what my kitchen looks like right now. Is that a selling point? The listing, found by Katie, does remind me of home, after all...

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

There's a joke here about home cookin' but I'm too lazy to make it


Is that a logging cross-cut saw in the corner? Why yes, I believe it is.

American standards


"You expect me to live like this?" demanded the toilet. "I'll give you 'looks like someone tried to remodel it, and stopped.' Bah!"

And with that it stormed out the door to go to Norway, where plumbing fixtures are appreciated.

Monday, December 8, 2008

A little something soul-sapping to begin your week


My God. It's Monday.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Don't jump!



No, Chair, don't do it! Bailey found you just in time. Just calm down... we can put you in touch with friends.