Saturday, May 31, 2008


This photo is here just because it reminds me of one of my favorite apartments back when I lived by myself. It, too, was pink. One previous residen, a friend of mine, had painted it all pink. This pink. Bright pink. All of it.

The bathroom was kind of cool -- although it was pink, it also had a bunch of "Mr. Lucky" cats stenciled on the walls.

The tenant who lived there after the pink painter and before me got all obsessive and painted over all the pink, painting around the Mr. Luckys -- so I got to have a nice white and green bathroom, with black kitty cats.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

This photo raises more questions than it answers.

What is that thing? That white thing? Over in the corner?

What room is this?

Here's a tip: if there' so much stuff in the photo that it's unclear what room is being shown, it might be time to call in help.

I bet there's a story behind this...

...and that it's not a cheerful one. I can't think of any happy reason why people would have photos like this in their listing.

A little privacy, guys?

Ahhh... nothing like kicking back in a nice, relaxing tub.... surrounded by photographs of people staring at you.

Monday, May 26, 2008

There's a slight chance that the kitchen needs work.

That could be a pretty stove if it were restored, though. I'm guessing it's an antique 60" O'Keefe & Merritt, although I don't know if they did hinged covers like those ones.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Oh my. Why can't all listings be like this?

(The house is no longer available. Sorry.)

Half a million bucks...

...and all this could be yours.

Ah! It has a corner.

From this photo, we learn that the house... um... has a floor. And it meets at least two of the walls, one of which has a window.

Friday, May 23, 2008

It's just a scratch.

According to the listing, this is a "Cosmetic Fixer." I can barely change a light bulb, so maybe I'm wrong, but it seems to me that once you're at the garbage-bag-on-the-nonexistent-wall stage of things you're past cosmetics.

Is this... good?

I don't know what this patch is, but it must be something good. Because otherwise it wouldn't be in the listing.

More work-triangle efficiency

It's useful to have the sink and the fridge close to each other. Maybe not quite this close...

Wall to wall to wall to wall to wall carpeting!

No. Carpet in the kitchen? That's just wrong.

I want to know more.

I'm a nosy person, obviously. So I'm curious about this house. Were people living here when it looked like this? Or has it all happened since they moved out?

Ready for that BATF stand-off

Is that a mattress in front of the window? And a chair in front of the door? In a cabin with no plumbing or power? Why yes, I believe it is.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Make every photo count.

This listing had only two photos, and this is one of them:

I wonder what the photos that didn't make the cut looked like.

Screw it. Let's just sell the place.

"You clean it up."
"No, you."

$200,000 and all this could be yours!

I exaggerate. It's not really $200,000.

It's $199,500.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I find this photo soothing.

I don't know why. Maybe it's the calm colors. Or maybe it's because the listing tells me not to be scared.

Nobody likes pools.

Our house had a pool like this one when we moved in, too:

It cost about $3,000 to get it removed. Which is probably why these people are just keeping their pool, even though it's so full of algae it's almost a wetlands:

Although, come to think of it, it looks like that one's above ground. Hmmm. All I know is that I have absolutely no urge to go down that slide.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Dora Dora Dora Dora Dora

I counted five more TVs in this house. (I'm judgmental like that, but it's okay because my children play with nothing but organic twigs and rain puddles.)


Happy Valentine's Day to you, too, listing.

Looks a lot like my desk.

This photo says nothing about the house -- all you can see is the table and the crap on it. So why include it?

Sometimes it seems like a really spiteful person picks the photos. A really spiteful person who doesn't care what the listing looks like for a half-million dollar house.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Cough, cough

The walls in this photo make me think the current residents are heavy, heavy smokers:

But the bathroom? Smoke stains? Maybe I'm happier not knowing.

(This is the same house that's smiling, below.)

It's smiling at me!


Friday, May 16, 2008


I appreciate the honesty in the listing: "The Ultimate Fixer. Not for the faint of heart." When a house is a former meth lab, I guess there's not much point in pretending that all it needs is a fresh coat of paint and some granite countertops to perk it right up.

"need some TLC"

I didn't enlarge this photo -- it's that way on the listing. Are they not interested in making a sale? I do not understand.

That'll keep the nosy neighbors from spying on you.

"No kitchen, no bath," no view.

Decisions, decisions

"Hey, should we kick the garbage out of the corner before I take the photo? It would only take a second."

"Nah. We're only asking $539,900. Nobody expects clean floors for half a million."

I cannot mock this house...

... because this cat will kick my ass if I do.

(And also because it's a perfectly nice house. Ho hum.)

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Sometimes you need a snack. Or some music.

It's a kitchen-bath-living room! Although actually it isn't, because the listing says the place has one bathroom and I presume this is it: I don't know what that room is for. And I think I'm happier that way.

Say "Yes!" to safety

Yes, you're going to burn yourself every time you put clothes in the dryer...

...but it's okay, because when you jump back in agony you'll be right there at the sink, where you can run cold water on your wound.

Eew. Eew. Eew eew eew.

Eew. Eew. Eeeeeew.

I have a spare $1,500,000. Whatever shall I buy?

Yes, that seems about right.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

It's snowing! It's snowing!

A contractor or DIYer would look at this and think "Excellent! Droopy weird white stuff! Just what I need," right? Because otherwise there'd be no reason to include this photo in the listing.

"Good location, good house with some work."

"Giant squid in bathtub stays."

I would name her Snowy and let her take all the baths she wanted.

dah... dah... dah... DAH DAH! dum dum dum dum dum dum...

This house
reminds me of somewhere else... where was it?

Oh. Right.

SeaTac House of Mystery

What is this? Is it a desirable feature? If not, why include it in the listing?

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Investment opportunity

Is it just me, or is this photo supposed to make one think of starting a grow room? Is that what "huge grassy yard with tons of opportunity" means in Realtor-speak?

I'll pay extra if you don't include it.

What is it? And why?

On the other hand... in the same house, we have this excellent paint job:

I really do like that. I'd quickly go insane if it were my room, but I'd just stick my kids in there. (They're already nuts, so it's okay.)

It's all about Work Triangle Efficiency.

Let's see. I'll put the microwave here, in the middle of the kitchen:

And I'll stick the fridge here, in front of the window:

And the freezer? Um... here, that'll be fine. We never use the left side of the sink, anyway.

P.S. The fridge comes with the house.