Tuesday, June 30, 2009

This post is in honor of Mister Rogers

The normal sequence for goldfish pet-ownership
Step 1: Get goldfish
Step 2: Enjoy goldfish as a pet
Step 3: Notice goldfish is floating upside-down
Step 4: Flush deceased goldfish

Abridged version, as found by Lauren:
Step 1: Get goldfish
Step 2: Flush goldfish
Step 3: Repeat

Someday, Stool, all this will be yours.

Ahhh. Sometimes a Chair just has to survey its land. It's a good morning to be a Chair!

(Found by Danny.)

Monday, June 29, 2009

*nudge* *nudge* Anyone home? *nudge*

If the driver is one of those people who honks instead of getting out and ringing the doorbell, that baby is going to be pissed.

(OK, there isn't actually a baby. There's just a stroller. But it's funnier if you imagine a sleeping baby there, so just go along with me, will you? Thanks. Found by Cyn, by the way.)

It'll just encourage him if you look, you know.

One thing I've learned as a parent is that unless there are flames or spurting blood involved, it's best to ignore behavior you don't want to see repeated. So let's all pretend we didn't see this listing Sarah found, shall we?

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Paging Modesty Chair. Modesty Chair, please report to listing.

(Clarification, of sorts, for newer readers: the Chair is not in the original photo. It's a Modesty Chair, in case small children wander past the screen while you're reading this.)

Patti found this "2 Storie Guest House," available July 1. I am confused. On one hand, the listing says -- in a positive tone -- that there's a church 20 yards away. On the other hand, the listing includes an upskirt shot of a cheerleader. Just what kind of church is it down the street? And am I going to regret the visitors I get who are searching for "upskirt" and "cheerleader"? Should I throw in a few more words to head them off? broccoli James Mason blender repair mola mola

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Come home, all is forgiven

Oh, no! I was just thinking this morning that Chair hadn't shown up in a while. It turns out Chair had made its way over to the Netherlands, where Nicolet found him. Like so many people on their big youthful European trip, it seems Chair has fallen in with a bad crowd. Stop, Chair! Come back! America's sunny backyards are waiting for you!

Friday, June 26, 2009

Call the police! They're hoarding our nation's velour supply!

Yes! Ricki has found a listing that will help the USA wrest the Technicolor Dreamhouse Cup away from New Zealand and Australia. USA! USA! USA!

Help, I can't stop putting up photos...

OK, just one more. How would you decide which table to eat your Frankenberry at?

Well, one more.



I am the ghoooooost.... the ghost of cars past......

(Found by Bing.)

Thursday, June 25, 2009

No, really, it's lovely.

There are two reasons why I have nothing mean to say about this listing, which was found by Beth (and also by someone who wishes to remain anonymous).

1. I'm afraid they'll send me a mean letter, and
2. I honestly think it's really freaking awesome. Come on! Look at it! LOOK AT IT!!!

Sorry. I might have taken a few too many allergy pills this morning (can you see the lasers shooting out of my eyes, or is that just me?). But really, I do think it's great. I thoroughly approve of people going nuts in their own homes. Good luck to the real estate agent, but dang, if I had a spare seven million bucks (I don't, I checked) and I wanted to live in Connecticut, I'd be moving in tomorrow.

Anyway. Because the people involved have shown themselves to be rather protective of the listing, let's only say nice things in the comments, shall we?

Wednesday, June 24, 2009






(Found by mo-mo.)

You had the last box SX-70 film and you used it for this?

Oh look -- David Hockney needs a housemate.

(Found by Leila.)

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

They're fleeing in droves

Is this a... a... a thing? A listing fad? This season, are all the fashionable real estate agents are putting up photos of people driving away? Perhaps it's supposed to show that you won't have to evict anybody, which is always good (unless you like evicting people, and I suppose everyone needs a hobby).

(Found by Andrew. Finally.)

So long, suckers!

"I can't take this listing one minute longer. I'm outta here!" Vrrrrooooommmm.....

(Found by Leslie.)

Monday, June 22, 2009

Elvis has, in fact, not left the building.

Can I get you anything else, ma'am? Maybe a nice peanut butter and bacon sandwich?

(Found by Janette. Sorry about using the obvious "left the building" joke, but I have no will power. Mmmm. Bacon.)

Please remove your boots right... there.

Yeah, okay, it's just a dirty carpet. Whatever. We've seen much, much, worse. But as mars78 pointed out -- it's a freaking SIXTEEN MILLION DOLLAR HOUSE. I can rent a steam cleaner from the grocery store up the street for twenty bucks, and my kids would pay me to let them use it (especially because we don't have any carpets and it would be an extra exciting experience using it on the wood floors).

Is the profit margin really that teeny on real estate that they can't afford the expense? If so, they should consider getting into a more profitable business. Like blogging. That's where the smart money is these days. Uh-huh.

Taking a mallet-head

How festive
! Lori found a cheerful place for us to set up our croquet games -- look, it already has the stakes set up! You bring the mallets, I'll bring the bourbon.

Sunday, June 21, 2009


From the same listing as the dryer below comes this fun! exciting! deck! If that's what it takes to keep the religious pamphleteers away, it's fine with me.


It's looks like that's a pretty new dryer back there, which is nice.

Admittedly you can't open the door to it, which cuts down somewhat on its usefulness. But think of the energy you'll save!

Saturday, June 20, 2009

No pot of gold at the end of this rainbow

Sure, you think a leprechaun's life is easy, don't you? All pipes and gold and jigs and smiles. But no. Sometimes the gold isn't enough. Sometimes a leprechaun can't take the thought of fixing one more pair of shoes. And when the pressure to keep that laughter coming becomes too much...

(Found by PJ & Jen. Please donate to the Society for Leprechaun Mental Health Services today.)

Friday, June 19, 2009


I've heard from a few people lately that they can't get to this blog. Some of the problems are with Blogger, some seem to be random, and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it (I'm trying). Of course, if they can't get here they can't see this... hmmm. I may need to rethink this.

But for future reference: the best URL for this website is

You might have something else bookmarked. You do have this bookmarked, right? And you're following it with an RSS reader, and with Google Friends, and -- brand new! -- on Twitter, right?




Not included: prince

Want to buy the house Salamanda found? First you have to spend the night in this bedroom. If you toss and turn all night because of the pea under the mattresses, it's yours!

Meanwhile, in the back yard...

Oh, blue Chairs, why do you discriminate? Bring the table back and let Chair join in your game.

But anyway. It's not just an Ohio thing! Kansas is looking for a princess, too, as this listing knitorpurl found shows:

I am confused. The castles don't look like I expected them to. I'm clearly out of touch with modern royalty.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Go chicken go



Hand me the power saw, willya?

Becca found this listing months ago, but I am slooow -- so slow that the place has already rented. Sorry, you'll have to find some other home to live in; some other apartment that apparently has a man breaking into it from the garage.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Too Much Coffee Cat

Look deeeep into my eyessss... you will buy the house. You will let me stay. You will buy lobster and salmon and feeeed them to meeeeeee. Gooood.

As a bonus, you can listen to the "Audio Description" on the listing and hear me play bongos with my little paws.

(Found by Emily.)

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

"Incredible View of the Lake"

I think... there might be something (whooooo) wrong with... the water... supply...

(Found by Amanda.)

Monday, June 15, 2009

¡Fiesta time!

When your house is a "rehab project needs roof gutters carpet vinyl, doors trim appliance," perhaps razing it is the best option. There are two ways methods of tearing a house down:

1) Hire a demolition crew


2) Decorate it like a piñata and hand out broomsticks to the neighborhood kids.


What? Why would you say that? That sounds incredibly painful, and what does it have to do with your listing anyway? Freak!


Nippers. You said "nippers." Sorry about the outburst. See, I thought you said... never mind.

(Found by Victoria.)

Sunday, June 14, 2009

I'm sticking with you


Aw, it's a heart made out of glue. And a... thing. Stuck to another thing. I can't quite tell what this is a picture of, but fortunately the listing Katryn found -- which uses this photo, and only this photo -- says that this is "A 1 BEDROOM PB APARTMENT ON THE GROUND FLOOR..." So I guess this is the PB part.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

I blame moles.


Nope, nope, not trying to hide anything here in the listing Loquacity found. That's just the way grass grows in Australia -- in little identical clumps.

Please don't be real, don't be real, don't be real...

OK, I'm 99% certain this listing Giuliana found is a fake. But 1% of me thinks of some of the other listings I've seen and wonders...

Oh, there's a smudged URL in one of the photos. That is a tad suspicious. Ah well... The world is probably a better place for this one not being real. But if you'd like to see more like this, You Suck at Craigslist holds hours of glee for you.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Legs crossed


Dang, poor Chair. I hate when there's a line for the outhouse.

(Found by (@_@) ac900434.)

It just needs a tilde in the URL

Things are about to get ugly around here while I mess with the layout. Apologies in advance. I really ought to learn how these computer things work...

Ooh, I know, to distract you I'll put up one of those old "under construction" pictures. It'll be just like geocities circa 1995!

UPDATE: Okay, that's the worst of it done. Thoughts?

FURTHER UPDATE: Eh, I've decided the three columns makes it too cluttered. So hold on while I destroy everything RARRRRR

Like a stuffed animal, but flat


Who's a cute little fuzzy wall? You is! Yes you is. I just want to cuddle with you, you cute little furry basement. Awwww. And Kate found you, yes she did! Fuzzy Wuzzy was a wall! Tickle tickle tickle!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Closely resembling a real house

I'm pretty certain this is 3-D, but I've got a lazy eye and those damn things never work for me.  Here, print these off and see if it works, will you?
Note: glasses not from listing

Note note: No, really, if I don't say that someone will think they are

Not included: sand

Yes, I like the apartment Karen found very much, but there's one thing... you see, I have a jar of Vaseline, and I need to be able to keep it on a bathroom cabinet. I just don't know. Will it fit?

It will? Are you sure?

A photo! Thank you! How helpful. Now I know just what a jar of petroleum jelly would look like. That's very important information.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

"Do not Disturb tenants..."

... they're already disturbed enough.

UPDATE: As per Bill's Bayou's suggestion, the photo currently on the listing:

Ahh. Much better.

ANOTHER UPDATE: From Bill's Bayou:



This listing needs to make wudu

What a modest three-bedroom townhouse Katrina found!

Monday, June 8, 2009

"Calvmkztm obcqu dyfigl erlacppyaq obcqu qvlw obcqu alvmkztm obcqu."


Well, sure, I like the house, and I like the thought of raising my children there. One thing, though. I can't quite picture what it would look like during a home break-in, and that's very important to me.

Oh! Like that! Great -- just what I needed! Thanks.

(Found by Jeannine. Gibberish in title taken from the listing. I think it's the sound the photographer made after seeing the stealthy, stealthy person.)

EDIT: Here's the video people are talking about. It's a bad boy. It's nuts, man.

All the Realtors go "tweet tweet tweet"

Aww. How cheery!

What happened to this blog? First a little sleeping begartered baby, now little tweety goldfinches. I used to be cool, man. Now I'm so full of sweetness and decency that I'm not even going to comment on the six-food tall flowers and how they're surely a sign of nuclear waste being buried in the backyard, and if they can grow to that height who's to say they won't tear themselves out of the ground and stomp around making mad tulip sounds.

Pfffffff! Unleash the tulips of Hell!

The listing is here, but a) I couldn't get it to work in Firefox, and b) it slowed my computer waaaay down for a good ten minutes when I tried it in another browser, and c) it has music. On the other hand the birds are animated, and how awesome is that?

UPDATE: Yeah, everyone else can get it to work. I'm uncool and don't know how to use a computer. Both!

Sunday, June 7, 2009

That's not where garters go, silly

Danieka found this "4 bedroom 2 bathroom Double garage home." Me, I'm wondering how long until little Henley Brook has her own show on Disney.

Saturday, June 6, 2009