...for certain definitions of "motivated."

The "seller is very motivated," but not urgently enough to drag the truck canopy out of the shot. Or maybe it's not just a canopy. Maybe it's an entire truck, but the body sank into the driveway.

Ve haff vays of making you buy the Haus

Who told you about this listing? Who? Tell us, damn you!

"Fixer! Fixer! Fixer!"

Can I add to this description? No, I cannot. "Major fixer upper. Needs lots of work no bathrooms fixtures, toilets, tiles. No light fixtures, no kitchen cabinets, partial carpets, stucco needs finish. No landscape needs fence contractors. Dream major fixer sold as is. Needs some windows & new doors, may need some roofing & garage door, no exhaust fans present in kitchen or bathrooms & steps need repairs. Fixer Fixer Fixer!"

Just to make sure that you understand it's a fixer fixer fixer (to be read in your best "Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!" voice), the photo has been altered to make it look worse than it does in real life. Is it three photos stitched together? Or does someone really not want to sell the house?

I have no idea.

"This home needs some TLC"

Just a wee bit of TLC, that's all it needs. No, no, that's not anything bad there on the walls -- and floor, and ceiling, and in the lungs of the photographer, and perhaps seeping out of the monitors of anyone who looks at the listing -- it's, um... darkness. Yup. Just a shadow. Tranquil, isn't it?

Not included: corpse

Nothing to see here, folks. Just a listing, found by by Andrea. Move along, move along.

The end of the listing.

"Talk to me, Chair! Can't we work this through?" cried the plastic tub. But no. Chair had seen too much -- my God, the things the tub would hold! -- to continue.

The house was put up for sale; Chair and the tub went their separate ways.

(Tragic listing found by samahs.)

KKKlassy!

Julia found this listing which, technically, does not violate the Federal Fair Housing Act, just those pesky laws of good taste and common decency, and good luck getting those enforced. Pesky freedom of speech, thinking you're so special just because you're the first amendment...

It's just there to add a dash of color

Jim found this one. Admittedly, there's a fine web of CAUTION tape everywhere:



But I DON'T CARE. I'm moving there. Look! It's a water tower! How freaking cool is that? (Answer: very!) I'm sure the CAUTION tape is just there as a decorative element.



Oh. Wait. I just noticed the toilet is in the bedroom, with nary a door between it and... well, anything else in the house. I guess I'm not as Bohemian as I thought. Pass!

A for effort

Leaving a strange yellow puddle on the floor, that would be gross. But cleaning it up? Good for you! (But next time you might want to pick the rag up before taking the photo. Maybe. Possibly.)

"Be aware of transients living throughout property."

Heather found this listing, with its friendly advice that one should "be aware of transients living throughout the property." I like the offhand tone. Oh, those? The things scattered throughout the property? They're just transients. Tra la la..."

And the photo? What? What's the problem with this photo? Would you prefer to have the mattresses inside the house? I think not.

They've already changed the listing, the spoilsports, but here you go:

Hi!

Katt found this welcoming seller. Yes, it's true that she has no eyes and instead has one of those Cylon beep-beep-beep visors. But it's yellow, which is cheerful! So don't be afraid! C'mon in!

Seven years of bad listings

Ooh, that must've made an interesting sound when it broke...

Hangin' out at the Gas 'n' Sip

Heather found this sofa convention. Why not include it in the listing? They're not hurting anyone. Hanging out, just hanging out.

This little room from the same listing, however... I don't want to know what happens in there, I really don't. Please don't tell me. I'm just going to say it's a pie safe and leave it at that.

do not click (you have been warned)

IT'S ANOTHER ONE
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE
GAHHHHH

Just a humble ol' cabin

This photo looks eh, but not so awful. Some little shack in the woods, right? A hunting camp, maybe? Or... a $875,000 house? You be the judge. (By "you" I mean "real estate agent," because actually you don't get a say in the matter.)

Comes with free case of Lucky Lager

If this were the early nineties? And I was in a grunge band? Even though we mocked the term "grunge," but that was what we were called -- ironically! -- when our show opening for Girl Trouble got reviewed in The Rocket? And we needed cover art our five-song EP, the one our friend was putting out on the record label he runs from his bedroom in Tumwater?

This is totally the look I would go for.

But at least they're germ-free bugs

Bug problem? No, no bug problem. What makes you think this house has a bug problem?


Oh. That. No, that's... a friend's. He left it here. I really ought to get around to getting it back to him. Mmm-hmmm.

Refreshing... and fruity!

Nope, there's nothing wrong with the pool. Why do you ask? Oh, the color? No, no, that's fine. The pool's filled with Midori. It's supposed to be that color. Cheers!

P.S. While making sure that Midori was the green liqueur I was thinking of, I found this recipe on their website. June Bug? Mmmm, beetles. Drinkable beetles. How delightful.

Shhhh

I'm sleeping off a candy-cane hangover. Please shut the door quietly.

Merry Christmas!

Jingle bells,

Jingle bells,

Jingle all the way,

Oh what fun

It is to ride, [found by Becky]


On a one-horse open sleigh,


Oh!


Jingle bells (everybody!),

Jingle bells...

Merry Christmas, if that's your thing! And happy Thursday, if it isn't!