Chestnuts roasting by an open... uh... hmmm.

Mantelpiece + heatsource = fireplace. Therefore it needs logs. Similarly, I have a drawing of a Jacuzzi over the puddle on my kitchen floor where the ice dispenser leaks, which I say makes it a hot tub, and therefore my "SHOWERS REQUIRED" sign makes total sense.


Oh dear. I was trying to come up with a sleazy house rule for some swinger with a hot tub, and stumbled onto this page, which includes the information that "Our complimentary buffet blows away every Swinger Club in Orlando, with entrees including items such as shrimp, oysters, chocolate covered fruits, fondues, sushi, etc." and now I'm too disturbed to continue my research. Oysters, chocolate-covered strawberries, whatever, like you can tell the difference.

(Found by Sue. And just to be clear: the pink room above is NOT from a club for wife-swappers. Or husband-swappers. Or pet-swappers. Or houseplant-swappers... as far as I know.)

Flush that sadness away

I feel bad about how depressed the eleven mattress, one bathroom listing below seems to be making everyone this morning. So here! Found by Pascale (and Mid-C Frank, I see you there) on Curbed: one cheerful* listing. Two seats, no waiting!


* Cheerfulness not guaranteed.

Oh, just leave them to soak.

(I lived in NYC for seven freaking years and I never saw the famous Kitchen Tub. I don't know what I was doing wrong.)

So you might think showing that the tub is in the kitchen wouldn't really be a selling point. But no! The real estate agent has actually shown great restraint in this listing Cory found (click here for the photos). "Claw tub in kitchen," the listing sez... "and toilet in public hallway." Just think of the photo they could have used. Or don't, if you're the sensitive type. Anyway, here's to you, real estate agent with restraint!

Rental; $1,995 a month.

Another for the "actually I think this is awesome" file

And that, boys and girls, is why we never leave oatmeal unattended in the microwave.

(Found by Lucy.)

Included: heat, water, refrigerator, a surplus of electrons

If you rub the chair really quickly on your hair -- thus transferring extra electrons -- and then place it on the wall, it should stick, as the wall will be more positively charged than the furniture. Try this at home, kids!

(Found by Cory.)

The class war will be waged in real estate listings

 

I'm sorry, but I just can't take urban angst seriously when it's right by a beautiful, sunny beach. But Brooklyn! Ooooh, we've got some real rebels here:

Yes, this is very punk and all, but it looks like someone painted it on the inside of their own bedroom door. Is it directed at his (I presume, boooo me) roommates? Does he think that they're all yuppie scum, and thinks mean thoughts about them when he's in his room? Or does it actually say "Die yummie scum," because he's planning on eating them? What kind of scum, anyway? Could this all be fixed with a bottle of Soft Scrub?

(Found by Merridy [Sydney] and Katryn [NYC]. Arrows scrawled in by me, not the real esatate agents, nuh doisey.)

Please don't be real, don't be real, don't be real...

 

OK, I'm 99% certain this listing Giuliana found is a fake. But 1% of me thinks of some of the other listings I've seen and wonders...

Oh, there's a smudged URL in one of the photos. That is a tad suspicious. Ah well... The world is probably a better place for this one not being real. But if you'd like to see more like this, You Suck at Craigslist holds hours of glee for you.

VWL MVMNT

BTH RM T NRRW FR VWLS


(FND B R2K)

"was known as wormers Inn in the 1800s"

 

Oh, Lord. It's hot and humid (by Western Washington standards, i.e. above 65 degrees F) and we don't have air conditioning and the kiddie pool sprung a leak and I spent the morning cleaning the garage and just looking at this listing Sandra found makes my eyes itch. So I share the joy. Here! For you! Still Life with Quarterback, Bird Cage.

No, no, it's a heated towelrack

Oh, man. This reminds me of my first apartment in New York City. One day I discovered that I could remain seated, shall we say, while turning off the whistling tea kettle. To whoever lives in that apartment now, I offer you this listing as consolation: at least the shower isn't in the kitchen. Or maybe, at least the kitchen isn't in the bathroom? Anyway. The listing points out that

This Charming Chelsea Apartment Includes:

• A windowed kitchen and modern appliances

• A full bathroom

Somehow they forget to mention that the windowed kitchen and the full bathroom are occupying the same spot.

(Found by Rachael. And yes, I know I'm cheating and that there really is no better photograph for this situation and that this will make some people angry, but know what? I don't care! Tra la la!)

Alley-oop!

"...spiritualists and religious communities tend to interpret metaphysical levitation as the supernatural action of the Holy Spirit, a God, a poltergeist, psychokinesis, or some other being or force within their own belief system." Realtors, on the other hand, know that levitation is an indication of Full Fished Basement W Ceramic Tiles And Brand New Bar.

(Found by Kalissa.)

breezy

This photo is the best -- the loveliest! the most flattering! -- of the lot in the listing Emily found.

Is this the house? Would you really call it a Cape Cod, as the listing does? Just what does it mean when it says it has air conditioning? Does "air conditioning" mean something other to you than it does to me? When you're at the hardware store picking up supplies for emergency roof repair, do you think something like this: "Oh, and I need to get one of those big things... those waterproof things... what are they called? They're big, and blue, and flat... I know! 'Air conditioning'! That's what they're called!"

Fortunately... unfortunately...

On the positive side: Ania found this great one-bedroom apartment in Chelsea for only $1,500 a month.

On the negative side: your marble collection will always be rolling away, and there seems to be a cat burglar in the kitchen.

"garage house (hollis)"

Elena found this plea for self-awareness and reflection. Remember: we are the garage houses we've been waiting for.

Closely resembling an apartment you can rent

Yes, I would like to rent this apartment. And I will pay you my rent with this:



Found by Joe.
And just to spell it out, because someone always gets confused -- not that I blame you, I think this blog mostly gets read by people waiting for the morning coffee to kick in -- the top photo is from the listing, the bottom photo is from the It's Lovely! HQ and is of some of the VERY FINGERS THAT ARE TYPING THIS ooooh

Suck it in just a little further, buddy...

Peek-a-boo! I see you! You should learn how to crop photos, too!

To be fair: he is hiding behind the cupboard. To be even more fair: he's hiding on the wrong frikkin' side of the cupboard.


(Found by Tim.)

Humanity won't be happy until the last interior decorator...

I'm not much of a class warrior, for the good reason that I'm firmly middle class and wouldn't know who to go to war against, or what my agenda should be: jogging strollers for all? Give us Costco executive membership or give us death? Don't tread on me, please?

But when I see a listing like this one, found by MidC Frank, I think it might be time for a little adjustment in our economic system. If you're going to spend ten million clams and do this... well, maybe you'd be happier out here in suburbia with me.


(Also found by Cara, who saw it on blog.deleteyourself.com, but I'd already written this entry so Cara just gets the small letters. And then Melanie sent me it. You see a big nekkid lady, you think of me. Hurray! No, really, hurray. Thanks to all three of you. I couldn't do this without the e-mails I get.)

Bedroom / window / closet? Don't be so picky.

"Nice Size Bedroom ,Closet & Window" says this listing Michelle found. I see how this is a bedroom and closet, but how is it a window?

For people with good pedigrees

"What?" you're thinking. "So it's cluttered and fussy and I'm glad I don't have to dust it, but what's so off about this listing Mid-C Frank found?"

Keep looking. Keeeep looking....

Yes, we have no bananas, we have no bananas todaaaay

I'm not saying they have bananas hanging from the ceiling. I'm saying they don't have bananas, so that's okay.

I'm also not saying that I can even tell what room this is. I think that's a stove, but does that really narrow things down?

(Found by Daniela. She liked the bathroom, but I got stuck on the ... kitchen?)