It's smiling at me!

Awww.

"EL DUMPO!!"

I appreciate the honesty in the listing: "The Ultimate Fixer. Not for the faint of heart." When a house is a former meth lab, I guess there's not much point in pretending that all it needs is a fresh coat of paint and some granite countertops to perk it right up.

"need some TLC"

I didn't enlarge this photo -- it's that way on the listing. Are they not interested in making a sale? I do not understand.

I cannot mock this house...

... because this cat will kick my ass if I do.



(And also because it's a perfectly nice house. Ho hum.)

Say "Yes!" to safety

Yes, you're going to burn yourself every time you put clothes in the dryer...


...but it's okay, because when you jump back in agony you'll be right there at the sink, where you can run cold water on your wound.

Eew. Eew. Eew eew eew.

Eew. Eew. Eeeeeew.

I have a spare $1,500,000. Whatever shall I buy?

Yes, that seems about right.

It's snowing! It's snowing!

A contractor or DIYer would look at this and think "Excellent! Droopy weird white stuff! Just what I need," right? Because otherwise there'd be no reason to include this photo in the listing.

"Good location, good house with some work."

"Giant squid in bathtub stays."

I would name her Snowy and let her take all the baths she wanted.

dah... dah... dah... DAH DAH! dum dum dum dum dum dum...

This house reminds me of somewhere else... where was it?

Oh. Right.

SeaTac House of Mystery

What is this? Is it a desirable feature? If not, why include it in the listing?

Investment opportunity

Is it just me, or is this photo supposed to make one think of starting a grow room? Is that what "huge grassy yard with tons of opportunity" means in Realtor-speak?

I'll pay extra if you don't include it.

What is it? And why?

On the other hand... in the same house, we have this excellent paint job:

I really do like that. I'd quickly go insane if it were my room, but I'd just stick my kids in there. (They're already nuts, so it's okay.)

It's all about Work Triangle Efficiency.

Let's see. I'll put the microwave here, in the middle of the kitchen:



And I'll stick the fridge here, in front of the window:


And the freezer? Um... here, that'll be fine. We never use the left side of the sink, anyway.

P.S. The fridge comes with the house.

At least it doesn't have granite countertops.

This is the kitchen. You can see the sink over there, next to the fire extinguisher.

I guess it's really no different from all the unfinished projects I have around here -- a skirt that needs a zipper, a quilt that I haven't finished piecing together, and a whole (virtual) stack of unwritten books. So I'm lucky: my cast-aside projects are in the $0 - $25 range, not the $200,000 - $250,000 range.

No, I swear, I own it.

Listings like this one -- where they don't even bother to get out of the car before taking the photo -- confuse me. It's not a dare. List the house or not, but why do such a half-assed job? Are there renters inside, and they don't want to let them know the house is for sale? Good luck with that, sport. Or does the person doing the listing not have the owner's permission? That also seems... odd.

Have a seat! Up there. Go on.

Yes, fine, it's true -- my house is a lot like this one. Not these exact items (other than the exercise ball), but the general spirit. But, unlike this chair-stacker, I'm not trying to get anyone to buy my house.

Finally! I've been looking for a... uh... thing.

I have no idea what this is supposed to show. The rest of the listing is fine, so I guess it's something desirable. Or maybe not, since it's been up for eight months.

I just... no.

I try to remember not to mock things that are just a matter of taste. I don't like the Country Goose look, for example, or decks, or granite countertops -- but eh, it's okay if you do. I'm a Unitarian, after all.

But this is going too far. This is beyond personal preferences.

This is a mirrored ceiling. In the kitchen.

This is wrong, wrong, wrongity-wrong.

Termites?

I think a meteorite came crashing through the roof here:


...and landed on the counter here:


See for yourself.