$200,000 and all this could be yours!

I exaggerate. It's not really $200,000.

It's $199,500.

I find this photo soothing.

I don't know why. Maybe it's the calm colors. Or maybe it's because the listing tells me not to be scared.

Nobody likes pools.

Our house had a pool like this one when we moved in, too:


It cost about $3,000 to get it removed. Which is probably why these people are just keeping their pool, even though it's so full of algae it's almost a wetlands:



Although, come to think of it, it looks like that one's above ground. Hmmm. All I know is that I have absolutely no urge to go down that slide.

Dora Dora Dora Dora Dora

I counted five more TVs in this house. (I'm judgmental like that, but it's okay because my children play with nothing but organic twigs and rain puddles.)

Awww.

Happy Valentine's Day to you, too, listing.

Looks a lot like my desk.

This photo says nothing about the house -- all you can see is the table and the crap on it. So why include it?

Sometimes it seems like a really spiteful person picks the photos. A really spiteful person who doesn't care what the listing looks like for a half-million dollar house.

Cough, cough

The walls in this photo make me think the current residents are heavy, heavy smokers:


But the bathroom? Smoke stains? Maybe I'm happier not knowing.



(This is the same house that's smiling, below.)

It's smiling at me!

Awww.

"EL DUMPO!!"

I appreciate the honesty in the listing: "The Ultimate Fixer. Not for the faint of heart." When a house is a former meth lab, I guess there's not much point in pretending that all it needs is a fresh coat of paint and some granite countertops to perk it right up.

"need some TLC"

I didn't enlarge this photo -- it's that way on the listing. Are they not interested in making a sale? I do not understand.

That'll keep the nosy neighbors from spying on you.

"No kitchen, no bath," no view.

Decisions, decisions

"Hey, should we kick the garbage out of the corner before I take the photo? It would only take a second."

"Nah. We're only asking $539,900. Nobody expects clean floors for half a million."

I cannot mock this house...

... because this cat will kick my ass if I do.



(And also because it's a perfectly nice house. Ho hum.)

Sometimes you need a snack. Or some music.

It's a kitchen-bath-living room! Although actually it isn't, because the listing says the place has one bathroom and I presume this is it:



...so I don't know what that room is for. And I think I'm happier that way.

Say "Yes!" to safety

Yes, you're going to burn yourself every time you put clothes in the dryer...


...but it's okay, because when you jump back in agony you'll be right there at the sink, where you can run cold water on your wound.

Eew. Eew. Eew eew eew.

Eew. Eew. Eeeeeew.

I have a spare $1,500,000. Whatever shall I buy?

Yes, that seems about right.

It's snowing! It's snowing!

A contractor or DIYer would look at this and think "Excellent! Droopy weird white stuff! Just what I need," right? Because otherwise there'd be no reason to include this photo in the listing.

"Good location, good house with some work."

"Giant squid in bathtub stays."

I would name her Snowy and let her take all the baths she wanted.

dah... dah... dah... DAH DAH! dum dum dum dum dum dum...

This house reminds me of somewhere else... where was it?

Oh. Right.