"Fixer! Fixer! Fixer!"

Can I add to this description? No, I cannot. "Major fixer upper. Needs lots of work no bathrooms fixtures, toilets, tiles. No light fixtures, no kitchen cabinets, partial carpets, stucco needs finish. No landscape needs fence contractors. Dream major fixer sold as is. Needs some windows & new doors, may need some roofing & garage door, no exhaust fans present in kitchen or bathrooms & steps need repairs. Fixer Fixer Fixer!"

Just to make sure that you understand it's a fixer fixer fixer (to be read in your best "Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!" voice), the photo has been altered to make it look worse than it does in real life. Is it three photos stitched together? Or does someone really not want to sell the house?

I have no idea.

"This home needs some TLC"

Just a wee bit of TLC, that's all it needs. No, no, that's not anything bad there on the walls -- and floor, and ceiling, and in the lungs of the photographer, and perhaps seeping out of the monitors of anyone who looks at the listing -- it's, um... darkness. Yup. Just a shadow. Tranquil, isn't it?

X

DO NOT SIT HERE


DO NOT OPEN THIS FRIDGE


FEEL FREE TO TAKE A NICE RELAXING NAP HERE, THOUGH. AHHH. SO WARM.

Oh, Eth, how we'll miss you.

Poor Eth. So young, so mothy. At least we'll always have this listing to remember you by.

(Found by Ingrid.)

Please bring the flag

My God, that's poignant.

Poor Trin. Or maybe Tkin.

Hey, Trin? There's something someone wanted you to know, but was too shy to tell you in person so instead he wrote it on a wall, listed the house for sale, made sure Cathy would find it and send it to me, and hoped you would see it here.

Sorry, Trin. That's a tough way to find out. And on St. Valentine's Day, too.

You have much luck with that?

Found on delete yourself (<-- possibly not safe for work, or breakfast) by Tristan: this sexxy studio apartment. Nothing says "I'm getting lucky tonight" like painting "clothes off!" or "f*ck me I'm famous" on the walls. But more to the point -- how much does a gallon of white paint cost? It's a studio apartment (with 2.5 rooms, in the intriguing style of NYC listings). It would take, what, one morning to slap some paint over those mottoes.

Ah well, maybe the next buyer of the $399,000 studio will be just as happy to nestle into his or her bed under the inspiring call to arms of "sexx laws." (Can I be reading that right? What does that mean? Is it a 1984 reference?)

Here's the worst part: that "*" in the "f*ck." So timid, so pointless. I hate half-assed swearing. Go hard or go home, that's what I say!

Wait, you already are home.

I see your problem.