Ve haff vays of making you buy the Haus

Who told you about this listing? Who? Tell us, damn you!

"Fixer! Fixer! Fixer!"

Can I add to this description? No, I cannot. "Major fixer upper. Needs lots of work no bathrooms fixtures, toilets, tiles. No light fixtures, no kitchen cabinets, partial carpets, stucco needs finish. No landscape needs fence contractors. Dream major fixer sold as is. Needs some windows & new doors, may need some roofing & garage door, no exhaust fans present in kitchen or bathrooms & steps need repairs. Fixer Fixer Fixer!"

Just to make sure that you understand it's a fixer fixer fixer (to be read in your best "Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!" voice), the photo has been altered to make it look worse than it does in real life. Is it three photos stitched together? Or does someone really not want to sell the house?

I have no idea.

"This home needs some TLC"

Just a wee bit of TLC, that's all it needs. No, no, that's not anything bad there on the walls -- and floor, and ceiling, and in the lungs of the photographer, and perhaps seeping out of the monitors of anyone who looks at the listing -- it's, um... darkness. Yup. Just a shadow. Tranquil, isn't it?

X

DO NOT SIT HERE


DO NOT OPEN THIS FRIDGE


FEEL FREE TO TAKE A NICE RELAXING NAP HERE, THOUGH. AHHH. SO WARM.

Oh, Eth, how we'll miss you.

Poor Eth. So young, so mothy. At least we'll always have this listing to remember you by.

(Found by Ingrid.)

Please bring the flag

My God, that's poignant.

Poor Trin. Or maybe Tkin.

Hey, Trin? There's something someone wanted you to know, but was too shy to tell you in person so instead he wrote it on a wall, listed the house for sale, made sure Cathy would find it and send it to me, and hoped you would see it here.

Sorry, Trin. That's a tough way to find out. And on St. Valentine's Day, too.

You have much luck with that?

Found on delete yourself (<-- possibly not safe for work, or breakfast) by Tristan: this sexxy studio apartment. Nothing says "I'm getting lucky tonight" like painting "clothes off!" or "f*ck me I'm famous" on the walls. But more to the point -- how much does a gallon of white paint cost? It's a studio apartment (with 2.5 rooms, in the intriguing style of NYC listings). It would take, what, one morning to slap some paint over those mottoes.

Ah well, maybe the next buyer of the $399,000 studio will be just as happy to nestle into his or her bed under the inspiring call to arms of "sexx laws." (Can I be reading that right? What does that mean? Is it a 1984 reference?)

Here's the worst part: that "*" in the "f*ck." So timid, so pointless. I hate half-assed swearing. Go hard or go home, that's what I say!

Wait, you already are home.

I see your problem.

Pssst. Any FBI agents reading this?

Kelsey found this listing -- and I found D.B. Cooper!


Quick! Swoop in! Get him! Who would've guessed he'd turn up in Kansas?

Not included: corpse

Nothing to see here, folks. Just a listing, found by by Andrea. Move along, move along.

The end of the listing.

"Talk to me, Chair! Can't we work this through?" cried the plastic tub. But no. Chair had seen too much -- my God, the things the tub would hold! -- to continue.

The house was put up for sale; Chair and the tub went their separate ways.

(Tragic listing found by samahs.)

Spiderman, a wolverine, and an Indian walk into a bar...

Househunter Christina found this potential new home. The photo above is one of four in the listing; therefore we can determine that 25% of the house looks like this. And okay, yeah, it would be a little weird to begin every day with a cigar-store Indian and a rabid wolverine staring at me over my raisin bran, but ohmygod did you see that price? $13,900! That's, like, one month's property taxes around here, not the price of an entire house (wolverine included). Buy it, Christina! Buy it!

Dual-purpose plumbing

This sensible bit of plumbing was found by Tania. Rather than going through all the bother of installing a waste pipe, you can just use the drain for your bath, shower, and toilet! So practical! And a time-saver, too: you can perform all your morning ablutions simultaneously.

Lullabye... and goodnight...

Awww. twilightteaparty found such a touching scene. The deerhead is singing the tiger to sleep. Good night, tiger!

This post qualifies for Energy Star

Green! Green! Green! Green!




Green! Green! Green!

These houses are so freaking verdant I just can't take it any more...



And neither could they.

(The chartreuse kitchen was found by Shauna, and Jennifer found the invigorating bathroom.)

KKKlassy!

Julia found this listing which, technically, does not violate the Federal Fair Housing Act, just those pesky laws of good taste and common decency, and good luck getting those enforced. Pesky freedom of speech, thinking you're so special just because you're the first amendment...

Come back!

Hey, wait!


No, come back! We just want to talk to you about the listing!


Don't be shy...


Rats. She got away.

(Found by Nicole.)

This is how I get to work every morning

Mary found this unusual feature. All I have to say is: don't let my kids see this. Or my husband. Or, for that matter, me. Man, that's awesome! But it needs a pool at the bottom. And a bouncy castle on top. Or maybe I need to cut back a little on the caffeine.

For Fido the giraffe

From anonymous comes this listing. What it that on the front lawn? A bus stop? A prompter's box? A phone booth? One of those lil' shelters where the palace guards go when they just can't hold the giggles in any longer?

Measure once, cut once

No, really, I swear, that's the shape of the windows. And the fireplace. I did too build them the right size! You and all your fancy "Plan before you build" ideas. Pffft. I can wing it. Carpentry's mostly about guesswork, anyway.

(Found by Stef.)