It's worth it to be so close to Archie McPhee's

 

You're trying to sell a house. You could try to get the blue tarp out of the way, a job that would take all of five minutes... or you could say "It's only a quarter million bucks for a two-bedroom, 100-year-old house with a wood stove for heat. Screw it," and just take the photo.

Fear the white plastic fury

Those of you who have been thinking there's too much Chair might want to see this listing Sarah found. This was a perfectly nice kitchen until Chair had a full-on temper tantrum and destroyed the place, then stormed off.

Do not mess with Chair.

Help me help me please Chair is threatening me

Hand me a flame thrower

Eeeeeek

You're so sadly neglected, and often ignored

Yeah, I know just how you feel. The thought of cleaning my garage makes me depressed, too.

(Found by Jackie, who might buy the house despite the noose.)

No, no, it's a heated towelrack

Oh, man. This reminds me of my first apartment in New York City. One day I discovered that I could remain seated, shall we say, while turning off the whistling tea kettle. To whoever lives in that apartment now, I offer you this listing as consolation: at least the shower isn't in the kitchen. Or maybe, at least the kitchen isn't in the bathroom? Anyway. The listing points out that

This Charming Chelsea Apartment Includes:

• A windowed kitchen and modern appliances

• A full bathroom

Somehow they forget to mention that the windowed kitchen and the full bathroom are occupying the same spot.

(Found by Rachael. And yes, I know I'm cheating and that there really is no better photograph for this situation and that this will make some people angry, but know what? I don't care! Tra la la!)

Vrrrroomba

I don't know much about staging, but one thing I'm pretty certain about: just because your minibike matches your vacuum cleaner doesn't mean you should park it in the dining room.

Hi!

Hi! Mind if I disturb your bookkeeping for just one sec? My organization is in your neighborhood tonight, collecting for the Fund to Help People Who Need More Household Textiles. Do you happen to have any spare household textiles? We'll take anything.

No?

You sure?

You don't have any household textiles you can spare?

You're using it all?

Well, okay. Thanks for your time!

Fruithat

At night the baseball hats wake up and swoop around the house, eating bugs. They avoid hitting the walls by use of sonar. Although people are afraid they might get tangled in their hair, most baseball hats are harmless.

(Found by Helen.)

Bathing with nature

Well, yes, this "flexible living & dining" room Natalia found could use a fresh coat of paint and a go with the Swiffer. But it gets more... um... blank canvasy outside:


I'm 99% certain that's where the toilet is. Or is it the "open-air bathroom" -- that is, the room with the bath? And which would you prefer?

Another moment of international solidarity

See? As this listing Ben found clearly shows, Americans are not the only gun nuts. Let us all unite in our love of handguns! Lots of handguns! Handguns out on the wall where anyone can get them!


(You're on your own with the whole sofa-in-the-kitchen thing, though.)

You monsters!

I... I don't understand. What are these people doing to the Chairs? They'll squish them! Get off them, you fiends!


(Found by s.e.)

No, really, they're called "studettes." Tee hee hee.

Ah, the French. So sophisticated. When American landlords offer bathrooms to live in, they're just ratholes like this one. But look at this "studette" Maï found! Check out the swank shower curtain, and the skylight! Imagine the delightful dinner parties you could host, the sparkling conversation... until one of your guests needs to use the bathroom, and things suddenly become rather awkward.

No you cannot have the remote

Come on, buddy. Back in the wall. No need to cause a fuss.


(Found by Cathy in NY.)

Included: timeout

I'm not addicted. I can stop putting up photos of Chair any time I want.

Thank you for not making me a footstool

Shhh. Chair and Chair's friend, Chair, are praying.

Chairman of the board

Found by Charlene: this... uh... apartment? Help me, Google... Ah, now it makes sense. It's a "Board of 8m ² and 22m3 on the 3rd floor," complete with a "toilet on the floor." Que bueno.

A blow for international understanding

Think that Japanese people are fastidious? Ha! Feast your eyes on this listing Emily found, and feel your outdated cultural stereotypes dissolve!

It's a world of garbage, a world of crumbs
A world of cleaning left undone
A world we all share and it's time we were aware
We're all messy after all...

"massive walking clothest"

There...

Back in the bathroom...

Is it?

Oh dear. I think it is. Hold on while I get a Modesty Chair... Okay, here you go. Make up your own mind.



(Found by Cam, who has an impressive eye for detail.)

Windows Protection Error

Eh, it's just a window. Not very exciting.

What's that?

You want the window to be exciting?

Well: ta dah! Here you go. From another listing, for a house that's six kilometers (I speak Australian!) away:


Now, that's an exciting listing! Yeah! I'll buy it!


(Both listings found by Marsha.)

A "lose face" joke would be too predictable

"Man, I'm really too embarrassed to have this portrait of grandma in the messy, messy listing. What should I do? Should I clean my house before taking the photos? No, that's crazy talk. I know! I'll drape a cloth over it! And then, after I take the photos, I'll scribble over them with a Sharpie! Grandma would be so proud."

(Found by Emily.)

Ceremonial leaving of the housewarming present

Househunter M. Flavius Aurelius saw this listing in a real estate agent's office window. Sure, from my American perspective it looks... ah... not really all that inviting. But careful research reveals that, in Australia, a house really isn't considered to be "warmed" until a dog has circled it three times, dragging its behind along the lawn.

This photo shows that the house comes pre-christened, which increases the sale price by an average of AUS$10,000. Cheers!

I just spent far too long trying to figure out if the dog was going widdershins, given that this is the Southern hemisphere... almost as long as I spent previously trying to figure out if Australia really was antipodal to me [it isn't]. I need a special vocabulary list just for Austral listings.)