Flush that sadness away

I feel bad about how depressed the eleven mattress, one bathroom listing below seems to be making everyone this morning. So here! Found by Pascale (and Mid-C Frank, I see you there) on Curbed: one cheerful* listing. Two seats, no waiting!


* Cheerfulness not guaranteed.

Because Jon spent all the money on smokes and sunglasses

Life just wasn't the same for Aaden, Alexis, Collin, Hannah, Joel, and Leah after the divorce.

(Found by Meghan.)

All day, all night

No, I don't know why I have insomnia. I just sometimes get this feeling like someone's... watching me.

Yeah, them...

Specifically, that guy right there. A little privacy, please? Jesus!


(Found by Nicole.)

Cleanliness Helps Prevent Foodborne Illness

Fridge, please remember to wash your hands before returning to the kitchen. Thank you.

You'll feel a slight pinch

 

You dance divinely, my dear, simply divinely. One and two and three and dip! Wait, wait, come back! I didn't mean that kind of dip... Sorry, sorry, sorry. It won't happen again. No need for you to be so crabby... oh, crap.

(Found by Snoskred Avalanch.)

Aww, who's a cute little enormous car-eating monster? Who? Who?

NOM NOM NOM

I HAVE EATEN YOUR CAR

IT WAS NOMMY

thank you

(Found by Emily.)

The chairs GATHER toGETHER...

Things I have had in basements of various house I've lived in:
• a woodshop
  
• a motorcycle
  
• an enormous tank of heating oil
  
• a man building guitar amps out of coffee cans
  
• a recording studio
  
• a magazine's office
  
• a washer and dryer (booo, boring, booo)
  
• a flood

Things I had not previously considered having:
• a chapel

(Found by Erin.)

Taking pride in one's ethnic heritage a tad too far

What you can't see: the Scottish ninja camouflaged on the ceiling, waiting to drop on the next person to walk through the swinging doors.


(Found by Chris. Warning: music. The kind of music they play on the TV while showing "Weather around the USA!")

Estonia is known for its decorated eggs.

Estonia finally has a lovely listing, thanks to Laura... and it requires the use of the Modesty Chair. Shame, shame, Estonia.

(Immodest version here, for those of you who don't mind encouraging such behavior.)

The headless cowman

Moooo.

Oink?

Mooooooooo.



(Cow hiney found by bARRY; pig found by Thomas or Susie; hanging cow-thing found by David.)

Long Time No See

Oh, how sad. I've been neglecting poor Chair, and now Chair has to try to sneak into photos that are weird all on their own -- like this one Mandy found. Sorry, Chair!

Fixer, fixer, fixer!

Sure, this house Heather found looks cool at first glance. But do you know how much it'll cost to get a contractor to repair the laser damage from the Y-wing? And I thought getting popcorn ceilings removed was going to be bad...

(Thanks to burhanistan for stopping me from really embarassing myself with a spacecraft misidentification. X-wing? What was I smoking?)

Included: thirsty terrier

Decisions, decisions...

MLS #20920891

$1,449,000

Imagine them tap dancing. *tippety tippety tippety*

You show people in listings, and I complain. You don't show people in listings, and I complain again. Clearly this listing Liz found is an attempt at compromise, and I'm a jerk for not being satisfied. Pfft! Me.

Oh, just leave them to soak.

(I lived in NYC for seven freaking years and I never saw the famous Kitchen Tub. I don't know what I was doing wrong.)

So you might think showing that the tub is in the kitchen wouldn't really be a selling point. But no! The real estate agent has actually shown great restraint in this listing Cory found (click here for the photos). "Claw tub in kitchen," the listing sez... "and toilet in public hallway." Just think of the photo they could have used. Or don't, if you're the sensitive type. Anyway, here's to you, real estate agent with restraint!

Rental; $1,995 a month.

INCLUDED: WARMER OVEN DRAWER, FREESTANDING RANGE, DIRECT LINE TO GOD

I used to live in former convent that had been turned into a hippie commune (which I first typed as "hippie commute," an intriguing -- yet unpleasant -- idea). We'd done very little to change the house, and one day a resident pointed out to me that we were still using the nuns' old toilet seat. "Nuns' buns," he said. "Nuns' buns!"

So sure, the real estate agent can write "Home has been blessed by God's servants" in the listing. But to me? All this photo makes me think of is... how refreshing that glass of lemonade looks.

(Found by Lydia. MLS #11237950.)

The small dresser is for keeping Graham crackers in

Make s'mores in bed!

Have heart-to-heart discussions in the intimate conversation nook!

All this could be yours for just US$1,600 a month! Call now! Or not.

(Found by Ashling.)

"cats are OK - purrr" has never been less appropriate

What? Nothing wrong here.

Nope, just an apartment.

Ho hum...

AAAAHHHHH WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE

For disbelievers: really. Here it is. I've recently had a few people express disbelief that some of these photos are really from listings. But they are, they really truly are, and that's what makes the world such a wonderful place. Sometimes the listing has been taken down or changed by the time I get it posted, but the photos I use are all snagged -- by me -- from actual real estate listings. Cross my heart.

(Jake sent this to You Suck at Craigslist, who thoughtfully passed it along to me.)

Look away, children

Which is better? With?

Or without?

("With" found by Anna.)

"Buy Right Now! Sexy! High Rents!"

It's the first Hawaiian loveliness, found by Allon! And it finds me deeply confused. I've never been to Hawaii, so I don't know... but is this normal? Like, the same way that people in other states have dog houses, Hawaiians have small-scale pig farms?

I'm presuming pig farms are standard, because there's no explicit mention of it in the listing... and it does seem like something you might want to point out. It goes a bit beyond the "Oh, I thought you knew the pool table wasn't included" homebuying confusion I'm used to.