If Jeremy Clarkson wrote real estate listings

"The majority of the basement is covered in black mold and in biblical proportions," says this listing found by Matt. And I have nothing contumelious to say about it, because they've been admirably honest in the description. "Not for the faint of heart or respiratory system!" -- well, there's just no improving that, is there?

So maybe sometimes people do things just right. And we don't mock them. We just sit back and stare at the mold in awe... and wonder how that house ever ended up submerged in a canal.

Please give generously.

I couldn't live in this house, because I suffer from Anthropomorphisis and every time I walked in the door I would see something like this:

(For those who have not had their morning hot beverage yet: the bottom photo is not from a listing.)

Chestnuts roasting by an open... uh... hmmm.

Mantelpiece + heatsource = fireplace. Therefore it needs logs. Similarly, I have a drawing of a Jacuzzi over the puddle on my kitchen floor where the ice dispenser leaks, which I say makes it a hot tub, and therefore my "SHOWERS REQUIRED" sign makes total sense.


Oh dear. I was trying to come up with a sleazy house rule for some swinger with a hot tub, and stumbled onto this page, which includes the information that "Our complimentary buffet blows away every Swinger Club in Orlando, with entrees including items such as shrimp, oysters, chocolate covered fruits, fondues, sushi, etc." and now I'm too disturbed to continue my research. Oysters, chocolate-covered strawberries, whatever, like you can tell the difference.

(Found by Sue. And just to be clear: the pink room above is NOT from a club for wife-swappers. Or husband-swappers. Or pet-swappers. Or houseplant-swappers... as far as I know.)

From a distance, wooah woah, from a distance

Inefficiently, God uses a periscope to keep an eye on all the little children.

(Found by Susan.)

Please remove sharp objects from pockets

Dug up for mudslicker and jlettman2000, although I'd rather be dozing away on this air mattress, life jacket on hand (or rather, hanger). Now shhhh. Nap time. ZZZzzzzzzz.....

(No good link, but MLS #590952. Found by Danielle.)

They prefer hurdy gurdys. (Hurdie gurdies? Hurdies gurdy?)

STOP IT! STOP IT!

YOUR POPCORN MACHINE IS SO LOUD THAT IT'S HURTING THE MONKEY'S EARS

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TURN OFF THE POPCORN MACHINE

POOR MONKEY

POOR, POOR MONKEY

NO POPCORN FOR DEAFENED MONKEY

(Found by Anna.)

It doubles as a garbage disposal

Included: washer, dryer, spinning portal to another dimension, stove.

(Found by Carlos.)