Monday, June 30, 2008

Colorblind painters need work, too

"Oh crap, someone wrote on the wall here..."
"Eh, don't worry -- just paint over it and nobody will notice."

Perhaps that's a spotlight outside the window

No, no, the room gets plenty of sunlight. It's not dark at all. Why do you ask?

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Needs TLC

Yes, this is really a photo from a listing... but unfortunately it's almost incomprehensible, so it's impossible to tell what's going on (unless you read an article about it, but that's no fun).

"Marry a Princess Lost in America / Create the Magic with this Fairy Tale Princess," it says. "There is also a 1st floor Powder room."

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Floor, wall, whatever

I think they put the tiles on the wrong two surfaces. Hold on:

Ah, much better.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Rar! House MAD!

Do not make the house angry. You wouldn't like it when it's angry.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Photos 1 - 4

Do you like it?

OK, how about now?

What about now? You'll buy it, right?


(These are the only photos in the listing. Perhaps there was an earthquake while they took the photos.)

The curtains, they do nothing!

I can't tell from the photo if these teensy curtains are on the shower curtain rod, or if they're in front of the window. Either way... wha'?

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Cross my listing with silver

If I had a room like this in my house, I would earn pin money by holding séances in my spare time.

This is just weird. And sad.

This house is for sale:

As the listing says, it's an "excellent opportunity to own the property of legendary jazz artist Ernestine Anderson." But then it says the value is in the land, so really it's an opportunity to buy her house and knock it down.

Your blurriness will not save you.

Despite the Vaseline on your camera lens, I can still tell that something has gone horribly, horribly wrong on that carpet. Still, I'm happier with it blurry, I think.

How homey!

If you could pick only one photo to show the interior of a house you were trying to sell, would this be it?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Have I mentioned my claustrophobia?

You have a choice. You can have windows, letting in fresh air and sunlight -- or you can have the world's largest plug-in headboard. How to choose?

It's a tiki hut! In Shoreline!

OK, actually it isn't a thatched tiki hut... but I thought it was when I first glanced at this photo. (I do not mock! I love! Imagine how good it must smell inside. I do wonder what it looks like the rest of the year, though.)

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Not really a sellling point.

Does the dog come with the house? Does the sofa? If not, why is there a photo of them -- a photo that shows nothing about the house?

I take it back. It does show something about the house. Something about what to expect if you go visit it. But perhaps this is something that the seller should consider not advertising.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Watching the watchers

This photo is supposed to appeal to... who, exactly?

Monday, June 16, 2008

Delicious, but not practical. (And not really delicious.)

This kitchen seems to have been tiled with Zots.

Friday, June 13, 2008

It's lovey! I already took it!

This is how my house looks today. Really.

It's the first week of summer vacation, so me, my kids, and my husband are actually going to try to spend some time together. If there's a delay in my approving comments or replying to e-mails, please don't take it personally; I'm just off drinking a Tom Collins and teaching my preschooler how to shoot skeet.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

For sale by the Hanso Foundation

I know this neighborhood well. It is not a dark and foreboding tropical island. It is not run by the Dharma Initiative. At least I don't think it is.


just me, isn't it.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Trying too hard (although Miss Skelly did get me to look)

Pull your skirt up over your head while you're at it, will you?


I bet they felt so stupid when they realized they'd put the shingles on the wrong side of the roof.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

"Not for the faint-hearted. Bring your guts and checkbook."

Eeeek! It's another carpeted kitchen!

...At least I hope it is. Because if that isn't carpeting, it's very, very furry linoleum.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Here a meow, there a meow, everywhere a meow meow

I wonder how many cats were in the photos they didn't use?

We like roses. Do you like roses?

We like roses.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Railings are for wimps.

There's a slight chance that that balcony isn't up to code.

I see London, I see France...

Tee hee hee.

And there... at the desk... was the ghost of the kitchen chair!

Spooooky chair dressed up like a ghooooost.... (but we know it's not a vampire chair because we can see its reflection).

The listing includes this line: "In 2001, the owners had a vision for this waterfront beauty w/ inspiration from the artist, Thomas Kinkade." I'm more of a Vladimir Tretchikoff gal, myself, but I try not to let it influence me too much.

The most squalid house of all

Ugh. Who could live like this?

Oh. Right. Me.

That's my house.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back

Your subliminal tricks will not work on me! This is not the same old place that I laughed about!

You don't really have to clean, you know.

Just shove all the crap over to one side so it doesn't show in the photo. It would take five minutes, tops.

Just wipe your hands on your jeans.

It's another staging gone wrong! In an attempt to get that Pottery Barn look so beloved by stagers, someone has... tied twine around the towels?

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Pick a door, any door...

Is it just my vertigo acting up, or does this room defy the laws of space and time?

Eh, good enough

"What do you think -- is there anything else we could do to make the house look like it's worth half a million?"

"Nah. We're done. Take the photo and let's slap it up on the Web."

Monday, June 2, 2008

This time, it's the hat I can't explain.

What does this remind me of? Oh, right... this:

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Oh dear.

What is this? Perhaps I am happier not knowing.