Saturday, February 28, 2009

This Listing: Now with More White Power!

To go with yesterday's gun-toting Canadians, we have this intriguing bit of artwork in a listing. Is that a superior race swastika or a transgressive artistic statement swastika? Which would be more annoying to live with, neo-Nazis or art students?

(Listing and title by Marc. Thanks to the Longboat, too.)

Friday, February 27, 2009

"Serene small town living"

Jess found this listing. Ah, so wholesome: just two people out in the gazebo. Two people enjoying a summer day... two people armed with guns, aiming out at the neighbors (or neighbours, since they're Canadian).

Really. That's what I see. Am I wrong? And if I'm right, is that Hurley? If I'm wrong, then what are they doing -- shooting lost explorers with blow darts?

Thursday, February 26, 2009

You should see how much the steering wheel costs

Yours for just $18,000: this three bed, one bath side-view mirror!

(Found by needled. Row!)

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Falls down lighter! And fluffier!

OK, yes, it's a popcorn ceiling and chances are it's full of Chrysotile. I can see how you might think that was bad. (Apparently the residents don't, because they seem to still be using this room to keep your clothes in.) But look! It's self-removing! Wait long enough and it will all peel down, saving you thousands of dollars in asbestos-abatement fees!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Swab the decks! And don't forget the living room.

I'm sure there's a perfectly good reason for a garden hose to be running in the front door...

...and through the living room. Like... ah... well, there could be a fire in the kitchen. That would require a hose, wouldn't it? Or maybe... um... well, wait. Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way. Maybe the hose isn't going in the front door, it's going out it. Really the water is going from the... waterbed? to the... garden? Or something?

Monday, February 23, 2009

clap clap clap clap

The lawns at night are green and bright
In the listings of Texas
Reminds me of mumble mumble mumble... glove?
In the listings of Texas

(Found by Maggie)

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Mutant Listing

From Linda comes this mutant hand reaching toward whoever's on the pot. Grr! Argh!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Stop picking on the poor Realtors

Poor, poor real estate agents. Not only are home sales down by mumble percent from last year and mumble percent of mortgages are underwater or upside-down or cattywompas, but then they get houses like this one they have to try to come up with listings for. Poor dears.

(Found by Rachel.)


Get it! Rar! Attack the bush! Don't let it near the house -- I think it's trying to steal our cinderblocks!

Friday, February 20, 2009

...for certain definitions of "motivated."

The "seller is very motivated," but not urgently enough to drag the truck canopy out of the shot. Or maybe it's not just a canopy. Maybe it's an entire truck, but the body sank into the driveway.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Ve haff vays of making you buy the Haus

Who told you about this listing? Who? Tell us, damn you!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

"Fixer! Fixer! Fixer!"

Can I add to this description? No, I cannot. "Major fixer upper. Needs lots of work no bathrooms fixtures, toilets, tiles. No light fixtures, no kitchen cabinets, partial carpets, stucco needs finish. No landscape needs fence contractors. Dream major fixer sold as is. Needs some windows & new doors, may need some roofing & garage door, no exhaust fans present in kitchen or bathrooms & steps need repairs. Fixer Fixer Fixer!"

Just to make sure that you understand it's a fixer fixer fixer (to be read in your best "Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!" voice), the photo has been altered to make it look worse than it does in real life. Is it three photos stitched together? Or does someone really not want to sell the house?

I have no idea.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

"This home needs some TLC"

Just a wee bit of TLC, that's all it needs. No, no, that's not anything bad there on the walls -- and floor, and ceiling, and in the lungs of the photographer, and perhaps seeping out of the monitors of anyone who looks at the listing -- it's, um... darkness. Yup. Just a shadow. Tranquil, isn't it?

Monday, February 16, 2009





Sunday, February 15, 2009

Oh, Eth, how we'll miss you.

Poor Eth. So young, so mothy. At least we'll always have this listing to remember you by.

(Found by Ingrid.)

Please bring the flag

My God, that's poignant.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Poor Trin. Or maybe Tkin.

Hey, Trin? There's something someone wanted you to know, but was too shy to tell you in person so instead he wrote it on a wall, listed the house for sale, made sure Cathy would find it and send it to me, and hoped you would see it here.

Sorry, Trin. That's a tough way to find out. And on St. Valentine's Day, too.

Friday, February 13, 2009

You have much luck with that?

Found on delete yourself (<-- possibly not safe for work, or breakfast) by Tristan: this sexxy studio apartment. Nothing says "I'm getting lucky tonight" like painting "clothes off!" or "f*ck me I'm famous" on the walls. But more to the point -- how much does a gallon of white paint cost? It's a studio apartment (with 2.5 rooms, in the intriguing style of NYC listings). It would take, what, one morning to slap some paint over those mottoes.

Ah well, maybe the next buyer of the $399,000 studio will be just as happy to nestle into his or her bed under the inspiring call to arms of "sexx laws." (Can I be reading that right? What does that mean? Is it a 1984 reference?)

Here's the worst part: that "*" in the "f*ck." So timid, so pointless. I hate half-assed swearing. Go hard or go home, that's what I say!

Wait, you already are home.

I see your problem.

Pssst. Any FBI agents reading this?

Kelsey found this listing -- and I found D.B. Cooper!

Quick! Swoop in! Get him! Who would've guessed he'd turn up in Kansas?

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Not included: corpse

Nothing to see here, folks. Just a listing, found by by Andrea. Move along, move along.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The end of the listing.

"Talk to me, Chair! Can't we work this through?" cried the plastic tub. But no. Chair had seen too much -- my God, the things the tub would hold! -- to continue.

The house was put up for sale; Chair and the tub went their separate ways.

(Tragic listing found by samahs.)

Spiderman, a wolverine, and an Indian walk into a bar...

Househunter Christina found this potential new home. The photo above is one of four in the listing; therefore we can determine that 25% of the house looks like this. And okay, yeah, it would be a little weird to begin every day with a cigar-store Indian and a rabid wolverine staring at me over my raisin bran, but ohmygod did you see that price? $13,900! That's, like, one month's property taxes around here, not the price of an entire house (wolverine included). Buy it, Christina! Buy it!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Dual-purpose plumbing

This sensible bit of plumbing was found by Tania. Rather than going through all the bother of installing a waste pipe, you can just use the drain for your bath, shower, and toilet! So practical! And a time-saver, too: you can perform all your morning ablutions simultaneously.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Lullabye... and goodnight...

Awww. twilightteaparty found such a touching scene. The deerhead is singing the tiger to sleep. Good night, tiger!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

This post qualifies for Energy Star

Green! Green! Green! Green!

Green! Green! Green!

These houses are so freaking verdant I just can't take it any more...

And neither could they.

(The chartreuse kitchen was found by Shauna, and Jennifer found the invigorating bathroom.)

Saturday, February 7, 2009


Julia found this listing which, technically, does not violate the Federal Fair Housing Act, just those pesky laws of good taste and common decency, and good luck getting those enforced. Pesky freedom of speech, thinking you're so special just because you're the first amendment...

Friday, February 6, 2009

Come back!

Hey, wait!

No, come back! We just want to talk to you about the listing!

Don't be shy...

Rats. She got away.

(Found by Nicole.)

Thursday, February 5, 2009

This is how I get to work every morning

Mary found this unusual feature. All I have to say is: don't let my kids see this. Or my husband. Or, for that matter, me. Man, that's awesome! But it needs a pool at the bottom. And a bouncy castle on top. Or maybe I need to cut back a little on the caffeine.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

For Fido the giraffe

From anonymous comes this listing. What it that on the front lawn? A bus stop? A prompter's box? A phone booth? One of those lil' shelters where the palace guards go when they just can't hold the giggles in any longer?

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Measure once, cut once

No, really, I swear, that's the shape of the windows. And the fireplace. I did too build them the right size! You and all your fancy "Plan before you build" ideas. Pffft. I can wing it. Carpentry's mostly about guesswork, anyway.

(Found by Stef.)

Monday, February 2, 2009

It's just there to add a dash of color

Jim found this one. Admittedly, there's a fine web of CAUTION tape everywhere:

But I DON'T CARE. I'm moving there. Look! It's a water tower! How freaking cool is that? (Answer: very!) I'm sure the CAUTION tape is just there as a decorative element.

Oh. Wait. I just noticed the toilet is in the bedroom, with nary a door between it and... well, anything else in the house. I guess I'm not as Bohemian as I thought. Pass!

I'm too sleepy to be mean

Kelly, who found this listing, and I have the same problem. We know we shouldn't like it, and yet... isn't it sort of wonderful? So cheery! So clean! And with that weird everything-in-focus quality so many of the Australian and New Zealandish listings have! I'm 90% certain the building doesn't exist and this is just a computer simulation, but hey, no house is perfect.

A rovin', a rovin

Arr, maties! The sloop Dustbunny sails again! Raise the Jolly Roger! Hoist the mainsail! Shiver my timbers! Keel my haul! Kiss my grits!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

A for effort

Leaving a strange yellow puddle on the floor, that would be gross. But cleaning it up? Good for you! (But next time you might want to pick the rag up before taking the photo. Maybe. Possibly.)