Sunday, August 31, 2008

FSBO and here they are

Wave "hello" to the owners! Hi! Here they are! And wave at Anne, who found the listing! Now back to waving at the owners!

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Take me to your weeder

Look out! The house is being attacked by small green aliens! Everybody run for your lives!

(Found by Amanda)

Sho I said, ish YOUR house, YOU get out

I'd be on the floor from drinking all that, too.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Sweet dreams

Good night, sleep tight, be prepared to be attacked by hordes of bedbugs, see you in the morning!

Doggy, paddle

Seth found this happy dog. For just $16,900,000 it isn't really worth getting Rex out of the pool, is it? I know my cat required a deposit of 18 mil before he'd stop scratching the sofa.

Helloooo down there

Look, I have small children myself. I know how annoying they can be. But really -- and you might want to check your county's laws about this, but I'm pretty certain it's true nationally -- you're not allowed to keep them at the bottom of a mine shaft.

Found by Teresa.

Pots pots pots pots

These charming pots were found by Roy. "Big pots, little pots, flying pots," he says. "Pots on parade."


(I really do sort of like the pots. I do not know why.)

Self-cleaning basement

No need to mop! Let our amazing new basement technology clean itself! Rinses automatically. Over and over and over again.

Thanks to Paula for this basement with a babbling brook. (Is that seaweed on the walls?)

Thursday, August 28, 2008

How the Master Control Program stays fresh and clean

This is where they made pitstops while filming this scene:


Josh sent me this listing, because of the condition of the house. Yeah, sure, there's a photo that shows nothing but a crammed closet. And yes, the bathroom is astoundingly cluttered and it would've only taken three seconds to clear the counter and take a good photo.

But I forgive them everything, because they have had the excellent idea to put a foosball table in the kitchen. I shall copy them. I'll have to toss my table away to make room, but I don't care. Foosball! In the kitchen! Brilliant!

But it's a _cheap_ Hellmouth

Mary the Nebraska Realtor found this house. The listing is one of those "slowly growing dread" ones. It starts out with a cute-as-a-button bungalow, then the interiors become more and more trashed, and finally we end up in the basement where -- if I'm seeing this correctly -- a bulging Hellmouth is about to open and bring forth the end of the world. Tra la la.


Yes. This is exactly the home situation I want to move in to. Thank you. And look, here I am driving my car, about to smash right into the house. Hope that's okay!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

I spell F-L-Y

From this photo, we learn that a) the tap water tastes band, and b) they have a fly infestation. So the real estate agent posted this because... I don't know why.

Bzzzzz.... rock it right.

Back where you belong

As soon as I saw this photo, I imagined the picture (embroidery?) on the wall singing "Hello, Dolly," and now I can't get that image out of my mind. The listing, intriguingly, says "IMPORTANT-SEE PRIVATE REMARKS" -- I wonder if it has anything to do with that?

Maybe it's a fire breaking out

Is that a light under the sink, so you can really see the crud? Why is there a cord going into the sink? Do you feel like buying the house after seeing this photo? Yes, I know you do.

It's all there

If you're going to have only one interior photo in your listing, as in this one Roy found, you might as well try to cram as much as possible into it. Quick! The fireplace! The wallhangings! Grab the sofa! Houseplants, where are the houseplants, there they are... the stroller! Is there room for the high chair? More chairs, lots of chairs! What else? The baby, toss the baby in, toss the baby!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Paste paste paste paste paste

If you were going to use Photoshop's stamper tool to fill in a front yard, wouldn't you do something a little nicer than "dead grass, dead grass, dead grass"? (And what the heck, make the house pretty while you're at it, too.)

Found by Frederick.

My life, as art

I have a great love for this song and video, Tim Minchin's "Canvas Bags":

It's an anthem for me, for what I do every day. It makes me feel like a superhero. Yes! I, too, take my canvas bags, take my canvas bags, take my canvas bags to the supermarket! So I understand the appeal of seeing the quotidian in artwork.

That said -- I really don't understand this painting Heather found. Or, more to the point, I don't understand why it's in the listing:

Locks are for breaking

Well, I don't know... the house seems okay, but I was looking for something that had been broken into lately. What? Really? Great!

I feel so good in my neighborhood

Guy found this classy living room. At least it's a break from the overly-staged sets usually found in real estate listings... a nice, relaxing break....

Flush at your own risk

This bold bit of decorating was found by Jeremy, who suspects that there was a murder in the toilet. We've all had roommates like that.

Cabin fever

Kathleen found this house. Who wouldn't want to spend a long winter here, all cozy and snug?

Green light. Red light!

For families who really like playing Red Light, Green Light. Really like it. Perhaps at a professional level.

Monday, August 25, 2008

The floor mats, they do nothing

There seems to be an industrial-strength hallway runner here... protecting the carpet? From... from... from what, exactly? And for what optimistic reason?

(Found by Anna. If the link doesn't work, it's MLS 2549201.)

Down periscope

Dive, dive, dive!

How else could you see if the eggs are done?

If your stove doesn't have a range hood, where are you supposed to put the light? Huh? Answer me that, smartypants.

Just turn out the lights and leave the room

Julia found this explicit illustration of what your washer and dryer get up to when you're not home. Oh, the shame.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Look away, it's hideous

Congratulations, Anna! You have found the Most Foul Toilet Ever Featured in a Real Estate Listing! Your prize is one fuzzy toilet-seat cover (pick it up in Irvington at your leisure).

MLS 2506859, since I can't get a link that works. But you might be happier that way, really.

Come dancing

Oh my, this one that Katie found is poignant. They used to have dances here: "This Was At One Time A Grand Old Place Now It Is Just A Lumber And Beams And Old Wood On 2 Lot In A Haunted Town."

Another way to get rid of bedbugs

Note: I am not saying that this house, found by Abbey, really had bedbugs. I'm sure there's some perfectly good reason for doing this to a bed that you're going to showcase in your listing. Like... ah...


One way to get rid of bedbugs (zzzap!)

Sue found this practical bit of furniture. Sure, it looks like a nice comfy bed, doesn't it? But look closely -- really closely -- wait, no, don't bother looking closely, just glance at it, because it's really freakin' obvious that it's a tanning bed. A tanning bed with a blankie and some comfy pillows.

Blessed are the homebuyers

I'm pretty certain Jesus is watching the TV.

Hell no, we won't go!

On one hand: this looks like a perfectly nice house. On the other hand: you'd have to evict the protest march of dolls, and they look feisty.

Found by Sonnjea.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

I believe I can fly

Go, bears, go! Fly as fast as your little wings can carry you!

Found by Ann.

There oughtn't to be clowns

Do you like clowns? No, you don't. Nobody likes clowns (except my friend Virginia, for some strange reason that probably has to do with her being raised by thespians). So a simple rule of thumb is this: When trying to make a house appealing to potential buyers, do not have the only interior photo be of clowns.

Found by M.

Oh, Chair, how could you?

What did the big rabbit ever do to you?

Found by Roy.


Staging my e-mail

I just went through my in box and realized I have no idea what I've replied to. I appreciate all the suggestions you send -- thank you so much! If I didn't write back, I apologize. A computer problem earlier this week left things in chaos, but it should be straightened out soon.

Good boys! Good possessed boys!

When I think "Would I like to live in this house?" My first consideration is "Does it come with a man in shorts carrying a dog with glowing eyes?"

Hmmm. Maybe. But can you toss in a second dog with glowing eyes? Perhaps one that will block the way to the bathroom?

You can? Excellent! Sign me up.

Found by Mary the Nebraska Realtor.

Stock up on dairy creamer!

So Tommy Lee has a Starbucks in his basement. So what? Check out this house Emma found -- buy it, and you can have your very own Orange Julius!

Friday, August 22, 2008

I'll just get the kettle...

Well, sure, this garage is kind of a mess. But messy garages aren't that uncommon, so... Wait.

It's not the garage.

It's the kitchen.

Um... anyway, can I fix you a sandwich?

Old friends (more on the Secret Life of Chairs)

"Hey, Pinky."

"Hi, Mauve. What's on?"

"Oh, just the plants. As usual. Want to watch with me?"


(Contented silence for the next three hours.)

Found by Mary the Nebraska Realtor.

Not what I think of when I hear "Copacabana"

Look. You shove the dresser out of the way, take the photo, shove the dresser back. That way nobody notices that the bedroom is the size of a Vanagon. Easy!

Found by Carolina.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Stoopid sinks.

I believe the owner of this house hates sinks. Really hates sinks. Dumb sinks, with all their drains and their water and... and... yeah. Sinks! Take that! Who's all wet now, huh?

Although actually, the bottom one looks more joyful than revengeful. Like someone was unpacking and going "the sink goes THERE!" and tossing it into the corner. Whee!

(P.S. I'm having some computer problems -- ones involving flames and smoke and such -- so please don't take it personally if I'm slow to reply to e-mails the next few days.)


Sure, you'll never get to sleep at night with all the glowing sand surrounding you and the radiation seeping into your bones and there's a good chance you'll turn into a superhero if you live here, but isn't it pretty?

Found by M.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

For that Soviet ski chalet look

Maybe this doesn't belong here, because the photo isn't demonstrating poor taste on the real estate agent's part. I think that this is just what the place looks like. You know, your standard parade viewing stand next to an A-frame sort of place. With someone dancing next to it.

That's what life is like every day in Utah, isn't it?

Found by Alisha.

Yet another fish story

OK, I give up. There must be some reason why people post photos of fish in their real estate listings, because there are just so damn many of them.

Found by Meg (I think).

La-Z-Boy to the rescue!

Dum de dum de dum.... what's that, Commissioner? A chair is trouble?

I'll be right there!

Oh no -- (sob) -- I'm too late! Not Caney! WHY?????

(Found by Bob, who thinks the chair is fleeing the mess inside the house.)