Hello? Hello? Is this thing on?

Testing testing one two three hike!

A brief update: Cheezburger was fun while it lasted, but after a while I felt like I just couldn't stand to look at another real estate listing and I left. There are so many jokes you can make about unflushed toilets, you know?

Cheezburger kept it up for a while, but in the end Chair was set free to roam the wilderness. You can read all the pre-Cheezburger posts right here where you're currently sitting, and the Cheezburger era ones here.

With fond memories,
Sara

I'M IN UR BLOG CHANGING UR LAYOUT

Fireworks!

Big fluffy cats!

Sunny days!

What has me so cheerful? I NO LONGER HAVE TO MODERATE COMMENTS. Thanks to a recent merger of It's Lovely! Corp. and LOLcats Inc, I get to do all the fun stuff from now on while some poor intern at a desk made out of sawhorses and an old door has to deal with the trolls and Spam (mmmm, troll Spam).

So, hello, pussycat! I don't know what people who come to the Internet for the cute kittens are going to think about photos of moldy carpets and naked Estonian men, but Cheezeburger, LTD has confidence it will all be fine. I'll still be doing the writing, such as it is; I just don't have to do the technical side any more. This should be a relief for anyone who witnessed the "I think I'll change the layout, tra la la!" fiasco of earlier this year.

I'm really really really hoping I Can Haz Blog Empire will make stuffed Chairs for small children to cuddle up with. Please suggest that a lot in the comments. The comments I no longer have to moderate. And also please be nice to all the new readers who have no idea what's going on here. And also please figure out the name of the company I now work for and let me know what it is because I wasn't really paying attention and I swear they go by, like, ten different names.

Onwards!

(Fireworks found by Ben; cat found by Anna; glowing house found by Deedee; LOLborg vs Chair, which is not from a real estate listing, by me.)

Perfect neighborhood for BASE jumpers

Ahhh. The best part of being a homeowner? Climbing the viewing platform in your backyard and surveying your property.

Look, the Mets fan in Texas is not the part to get hung up on.

Hey, Steve.

Hey, Dylan. Hey, Chris. Oh, hey, Josh, didn't see you over there.

How's it going?

Oh, fine, fine. Too bad about the Mets, huh?

Yup, yup. So... any plans for today?

Eh, thought I'd just stick my head through this hole in the wall. You?

Same, same. Head, wall, you know how it is.

Well, good to see you. Might as well get to it.

Yup, see you 'round.

(Found by Lauren.)

Tinkle tinkle tinkle (no not that kind of tinkling)

Included: washer, dryer, art installation titled "My Feet Ow Ow My Feet," furnace.

(The house is off the market, but the information is here if you're curious.)

Comes with matching pajamas

The problem with wallpapering is knowing when to stop. It comes on those big rolls, you've been inhaling paste fumes, maybe your mind is wandering... next thing you know you've covered the walls and the bed and you have to run get a box cutter to free the cat. Sorry, kitty!


(Found by Morgan.)

Stay! And keep staying... and stay. Stay. Stay! Stay.

Well, yes, there's a dog sitting on the sideboard, which is sort of odd. But it's a dead dog, and that makes it all okay.

(Found by Leslie. WARNING VERY LOUD MAN SPEAKING VERY LOUDLY IN A LOUD VOICE THAT MAKES ME THINK OF THE ROAD ADVISORIES I LISTEN TO BEFORE DRIVING OVER THE MOUNTAIN PASSES DURING WINTER.)

Do come in

I know I'm kind of uptight. Maybe a little repressed. But... I just don't think I could, ah, get anything done in there with all those dolls sitting. And waiting. Waiting. Silently waiting. Silently watching. Silently judging. Um, I mean, looking darling, absolutely darling...

I think I can wait until I get home.

(Found by Randi. MLS #757267, for those who are interested.)

Have a seat. Or a seat. Or a bath. Or a seat.

Home office with a bath tub, or bathroom with seating for ten? Which makes more sense, really?

(Found by Ellen.)

If Jeremy Clarkson wrote real estate listings

"The majority of the basement is covered in black mold and in biblical proportions," says this listing found by Matt. And I have nothing contumelious to say about it, because they've been admirably honest in the description. "Not for the faint of heart or respiratory system!" -- well, there's just no improving that, is there?

So maybe sometimes people do things just right. And we don't mock them. We just sit back and stare at the mold in awe... and wonder how that house ever ended up submerged in a canal.

Please give generously.

I couldn't live in this house, because I suffer from Anthropomorphisis and every time I walked in the door I would see something like this:

(For those who have not had their morning hot beverage yet: the bottom photo is not from a listing.)

Chestnuts roasting by an open... uh... hmmm.

Mantelpiece + heatsource = fireplace. Therefore it needs logs. Similarly, I have a drawing of a Jacuzzi over the puddle on my kitchen floor where the ice dispenser leaks, which I say makes it a hot tub, and therefore my "SHOWERS REQUIRED" sign makes total sense.


Oh dear. I was trying to come up with a sleazy house rule for some swinger with a hot tub, and stumbled onto this page, which includes the information that "Our complimentary buffet blows away every Swinger Club in Orlando, with entrees including items such as shrimp, oysters, chocolate covered fruits, fondues, sushi, etc." and now I'm too disturbed to continue my research. Oysters, chocolate-covered strawberries, whatever, like you can tell the difference.

(Found by Sue. And just to be clear: the pink room above is NOT from a club for wife-swappers. Or husband-swappers. Or pet-swappers. Or houseplant-swappers... as far as I know.)

From a distance, wooah woah, from a distance

Inefficiently, God uses a periscope to keep an eye on all the little children.

(Found by Susan.)

Please remove sharp objects from pockets

Dug up for mudslicker and jlettman2000, although I'd rather be dozing away on this air mattress, life jacket on hand (or rather, hanger). Now shhhh. Nap time. ZZZzzzzzzz.....

(No good link, but MLS #590952. Found by Danielle.)

They prefer hurdy gurdys. (Hurdie gurdies? Hurdies gurdy?)

STOP IT! STOP IT!

YOUR POPCORN MACHINE IS SO LOUD THAT IT'S HURTING THE MONKEY'S EARS

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TURN OFF THE POPCORN MACHINE

POOR MONKEY

POOR, POOR MONKEY

NO POPCORN FOR DEAFENED MONKEY

(Found by Anna.)

It doubles as a garbage disposal

Included: washer, dryer, spinning portal to another dimension, stove.

(Found by Carlos.)

NOW YOU WILL BE CHEERFUL.

Sorry, sorry, listings have been grim lately. Here! Cheerful! So CHEERFUL! GRITTED TEETH CHEERFUL! BE CHEERFUL, DAMN IT! NO GROCERIES UNTIL YOU'RE CHEERFUL!

(From a listing found earlier by Solvi.)

Escape from Hamster Hoosgow

"So long, suckers!" cried the hamster, knowing she could escape prison while the jailers battled the fire she'd set.

(Found by Sara. A different Sara.)

When spin art goes very, very wrong. And zombies are involved.

Ahhhhh! I warned you about the zombie Chair mob, but did you listen to me? Nooooo!


(Found by Johnathan on seattlebubble.)

Brains..... plastic braaaiiiinnnnssss.....

Help! It's just like Night of the Living Dead here. But in the day. And in a real estate listing. And with the part of Zombie Mob being played by Chairs.

But other than that, they're indistinguishable.