Something for everyone

Bob sent me this listing because the custom paint job had caught his eye, but it's this photo that I found particularly disturbing:


When I hear "Los Angeles" I think "earthquake" (admittedly that's not the first thing, but it's up there right below "Luke Perry's forehead" and above "change in an instant, change in an instant"). I don't know how I could sleep with all this dirt piled up, waiting to attack me when the Tectonic Plate Gods become angered.

Look, you can lose sleep over the economy or the election if you want; I'm going to worry that my sacrifices might not be up to date.

Do we offend?

Emily & Kitty found this woman who just couldn't get away from us fast enough. Wait! Come back! We're nice... we're just a bunch of snarky people... sigh.

Isn't California voting on something like this next week?

I usually don't care what two (or more) consenting adults do in the privacy of their bedroom (or website), but this -- this is Wrong.

Found by BikerPuppy, who points out that the listing mentions the "private garage." This is important, because whoever buys this house obviously cares a lot about privacy.

I swear, officer, it's not grass

When Jim e-mailed me this listing, my first thought was "What's the big deal?" (because I'm rude like that, but just silently. In my head. I wouldn't share it. Oh damnit, I just did.) So it's a house with a lawn... oh... wait... that's not a lawn. Put the mower away, dear.

*hic*

Not only does Texas not have an open container law, but it's also legal to sell real estate while under the influence. Yee-haw!

Found by Andra.

P.S. I made that up about the open container laws. I have no idea if it's true.

I won't clean up for a penny under $1,000,000

Oh, San Francisco, where a one million dollar house isn't worth half a day's cleaning...

Peek-a-boo

I've long wondered why agents would include photos of the residents in their listings. It seems the people behind this listing, which househunter Valerie found, agree. Privacy now!

Don't let my kids see this one

LET THIS SERVE AS A WARNING TO ALL DOLLS WHO THINK ABOUT ENTERING THIS HOUSEHOLD.


Found by Katie.

All this could be yours!

C'mon in! Make yourself comfortable!

(Another disturbing find by Jayce.)

For people who hate to bake

Oven? What oven?

Found by Whitney, who points out that "the listing remarks say that the gas bill is less than $10.00 a month -- BECAUSE YOU CAN'T USE THE OVEN."

Hi!

I'm sure you're a very nice person, random person in listing found by Seth, but... I'd really rather have some alone time right now. It's not you. It's me.

No, just kidding -- it's you!

Once upon a time, all listings looked like this

We know they had a camera, because they took interior photos (hoo boy did they take interior photos) in this listing that Stuart found. And yet this is the exterior shot they think will draw in the buyers in this market. I am... am... well, I'm not a real estate agent, what do I know about selling houses? Bupkis. And that is why I'm not trying to sell a house.

It would be good, I think, of more people paused for a few seconds of self-reflection before starting a business transaction that will run into hundreds of thousands of dollars. "Do I know anything about selling a house? No? Huh, so maybe I should find someone who does."


Still, look! It comes with a hand truck. Maybe we can use it to carry the dustcatchers out of the photo. Grab the handle -- go on -- just use your thumb and index finger to make little pinchy motions...

Man, I picked a bad day to wear corncob earrings on my walk in the woods

Tweet, tweet! RAR NOM NOM NOM NOM *crunch crunch crunch*

Kelli found this disturbing illustration. She says she would've looked at the property, but was prevented by her fear of man-size birds.

Shhh. It'll bolt if you startle it.

Be vewwy vewwy quiet. I'm hunting houses. Nocturnal houses.

Found by David.

One year lease with time off for good behavior

I used to live in New York City. My first child was born there, I have good friends there, and I still have fond feelings for the city. Public transportation! Restaurants! The Natural History museum! The Unisphere! Pan de yuca!

Until I see a listing like this one that Jax found... and suddenly, my bland suburban neighborhood seems just dandy.

Since it's craigslist and the ad will disappear soon, I'm going to copy and paste the excellent description: "Room Available November 1st. Room is approx. 10x8 (no windows). Room has private bathroom. There is no separation between bathroom and bedroom. Room is in basement. Private, no roommates. No kitchen access but you do have a mini fridge and microwave. Utilities are included. Located less than one block from L train, Bedford Ave and B61 bus. Please email some info about yourself along with how long you are looking to sublet for. (Optional semi-furnished)." "North 7th street at Bedford Ave" $550.

I suppose I'm cheating by having the photo here -- it's not like there's a better photo they could've taken.

OooooohhhhhhHHHHHhhhh

Buy my apartment or I shall haunt your current residence... woooooh.....

Found by Carolina... woooooooooh....

(I can't figure out how to spell out a good ghost noise.)

Hey, buddy!

Look! It's an old friend! From the very first post on this blog, it's that guy, you know, the guy with the face. Awww. Howya doing, Sport?

For people who don't like stainless steel appliances

If you lived here you, too, could put magnets on your fridge! Yes! You could! It's not one of those no-magnets-here fridges!

Found by Emma.

Yes, that's exactly where I want to take a nap

"FEATURES INCLUDE DAY BED, BASEMENT AND BUILT IN SAFE!" I think this is the day bed. Doesn't it look comfy?

Found by Kristi, who thinks that this bathroom door is made entirely of mold:


How uncharitable of her! That door is no more than half mold. Unless mildew counts as mold. Does it? If so, we're back up to 100%.

Whee! Hold on, kids!

I've never been to Albuquerque. I had no idea!

Found by Pamela.

A tad more affordable

So you can't afford the $10 million for the underground lair bomb shelter in London. How about this retro bomb shelter, instead?

Though if I had to survive a nuclear war crammed into a 10' x 10' room with my family, I might regret not ponying up for the deluxe version...

And I thought I was a bad hostess

"Good size cemented side yards good for entertainment." Whee. I can hear the champagne bottles popping already.

Something for the weekend, sir?

That's it. I can't take any more listings today. The world is just too weird.

It'll make moving easier!

It comes with a shopping cart? Great! That's just the look I'm going for. Thanks!

Ink? No, "ink."

Fed up with all the vandalism and spray paint -- sorry, "ink" -- the sofa went out to hail a cab.

Found by Matthew. Or maybe "Matthew."

My evil empire will start right here... after I'm done playing pool

Yes, yes, I'm cheating. This isn't from a listing; it's from a press release announcing a listing. Sorry, but I don't think the actual listing is on-line. But this is my blog! I'm the only person here! I can do whatever I like! Just like you could, if you lived in a secret lair under London.

(Found on Metafilter.)

Somebody stop me

Why am I putting up this photo that Bill found? Dang, that's gross. Tell you what. I'll just shrink it waaayyyy down...


Ah. That's better. I wonder why the real estate agent didn't think of that?

$365,000? (Yawns)

Yeah, I know just how you feel. I can't be bothered to open the door for a penny under $400,000.

Takes care of the "Thanks, I needed that" guy

Jesse, who found this, thinks they couldn't afford curtains but had a spare pile o' bricks. I think they built a not-up-to-code addition and accidentally covered up a window. (Don't ask me how I know about these things, but I'll give you a hint: I see a window a lot like this every morning when I take a shower.)

Just an inch higher and everything would be fine

Oh! So close! The photographer almost managed to not include that terrifying toilet, but left in just that little slice... And now I share it with you, thanks to Carolina.

Stove ISO appliances

"Is it me?" wondered the lonely stove. "Why do all the other appliances avoid me? Do I offend?"

And with that thought, it went off to run its self-cleaning cycle.

So that's where I left it

No, wait, there are tons of good reasons for putting a flashlight there. Like... huh.

So close.

PHOTO CHECKLIST:
Front of house? Check.
Kitchen? Check.
Bedroom? Check.
Bathroom? Check.
Back yard? Check.
Orange teddy bear leaning against a fake soda can? Check.

Good to go!

(Found by Emma)

Giving credit where credit's due

My first thought when I saw the above photo was that it was lousy, and the real estate agent should go out and retake it. But then I scrolled down in the listing to the Google Street View:

So... my hat is off to you, real estate agent photographer. Nice work. (Although I'm not sure including the Norteño graffiti was the best idea ever...)

Almost!

Taking a photo that includes an old dog bed? Not such a great idea.
Moving the bed and retaking the photo? Great!
Including the first photo anyway? Oh, honey...

The Mystery Writers of America are out of control

David found this listing. Since the seller didn't bother spending ten bucks on paint to cover these decorations, I presume they're desirable. Family crests, maybe?

So calming.

Another find by Mary the Nebraska Realtor. "Anyone crazy enough to put these colors together on a wall needs to be in a padded room," she writes. "Oh, wait..."

Oh, poop

It's pretty hard to tell which end is which with those fluffy little dogs, but I'm pretty certain that that dog is... um...

Found by Matt, on craigslist.

For people who really like Subway

Laurie found this listing for people who like Subway. Really, really like Subway. Like it so much that if a listing were going to have just one photo, this is the one they should use -- because the only thing that's important is that the apartment is near a Subway.

I suppose it works equally well for people who hate Subway. Really, really hate Subway.

The closet, too, is bigger on the inside than the outside.

The Tardis! It's here! In America! And Val found it! But because it's in Seattle, the Tardis now comes in a classic cedar.

Wheeee!

THUNK. That's the sound the sofas made when they stopped sliding and hit the wall.

Or perhaps the wooden chair is contemplating its mortality

Ahhh... sometimes there's nothing better than dragging a chair out to the back yard, sitting back, and watching a pile of sticks. Good times.

Found by Dawn, who thinks the sticks must be a selling feature.

Building? Dog? I just can't decide which I want.

This listing has two photos. One is tiny and blury. The other is large, up close, and in focus. Can you guess which is of the item which is for sale?