Perfect neighborhood for BASE jumpers

Ahhh. The best part of being a homeowner? Climbing the viewing platform in your backyard and surveying your property.

Look, the Mets fan in Texas is not the part to get hung up on.

Hey, Steve.

Hey, Dylan. Hey, Chris. Oh, hey, Josh, didn't see you over there.

How's it going?

Oh, fine, fine. Too bad about the Mets, huh?

Yup, yup. So... any plans for today?

Eh, thought I'd just stick my head through this hole in the wall. You?

Same, same. Head, wall, you know how it is.

Well, good to see you. Might as well get to it.

Yup, see you 'round.

(Found by Lauren.)

Tinkle tinkle tinkle (no not that kind of tinkling)

Included: washer, dryer, art installation titled "My Feet Ow Ow My Feet," furnace.

(The house is off the market, but the information is here if you're curious.)

Comes with matching pajamas

The problem with wallpapering is knowing when to stop. It comes on those big rolls, you've been inhaling paste fumes, maybe your mind is wandering... next thing you know you've covered the walls and the bed and you have to run get a box cutter to free the cat. Sorry, kitty!


(Found by Morgan.)

Stay! And keep staying... and stay. Stay. Stay! Stay.

Well, yes, there's a dog sitting on the sideboard, which is sort of odd. But it's a dead dog, and that makes it all okay.

(Found by Leslie. WARNING VERY LOUD MAN SPEAKING VERY LOUDLY IN A LOUD VOICE THAT MAKES ME THINK OF THE ROAD ADVISORIES I LISTEN TO BEFORE DRIVING OVER THE MOUNTAIN PASSES DURING WINTER.)

Do come in

I know I'm kind of uptight. Maybe a little repressed. But... I just don't think I could, ah, get anything done in there with all those dolls sitting. And waiting. Waiting. Silently waiting. Silently watching. Silently judging. Um, I mean, looking darling, absolutely darling...

I think I can wait until I get home.

(Found by Randi. MLS #757267, for those who are interested.)

Have a seat. Or a seat. Or a bath. Or a seat.

Home office with a bath tub, or bathroom with seating for ten? Which makes more sense, really?

(Found by Ellen.)

If Jeremy Clarkson wrote real estate listings

"The majority of the basement is covered in black mold and in biblical proportions," says this listing found by Matt. And I have nothing contumelious to say about it, because they've been admirably honest in the description. "Not for the faint of heart or respiratory system!" -- well, there's just no improving that, is there?

So maybe sometimes people do things just right. And we don't mock them. We just sit back and stare at the mold in awe... and wonder how that house ever ended up submerged in a canal.

Please give generously.

I couldn't live in this house, because I suffer from Anthropomorphisis and every time I walked in the door I would see something like this:

(For those who have not had their morning hot beverage yet: the bottom photo is not from a listing.)

Chestnuts roasting by an open... uh... hmmm.

Mantelpiece + heatsource = fireplace. Therefore it needs logs. Similarly, I have a drawing of a Jacuzzi over the puddle on my kitchen floor where the ice dispenser leaks, which I say makes it a hot tub, and therefore my "SHOWERS REQUIRED" sign makes total sense.


Oh dear. I was trying to come up with a sleazy house rule for some swinger with a hot tub, and stumbled onto this page, which includes the information that "Our complimentary buffet blows away every Swinger Club in Orlando, with entrees including items such as shrimp, oysters, chocolate covered fruits, fondues, sushi, etc." and now I'm too disturbed to continue my research. Oysters, chocolate-covered strawberries, whatever, like you can tell the difference.

(Found by Sue. And just to be clear: the pink room above is NOT from a club for wife-swappers. Or husband-swappers. Or pet-swappers. Or houseplant-swappers... as far as I know.)

From a distance, wooah woah, from a distance

Inefficiently, God uses a periscope to keep an eye on all the little children.

(Found by Susan.)

Please remove sharp objects from pockets

Dug up for mudslicker and jlettman2000, although I'd rather be dozing away on this air mattress, life jacket on hand (or rather, hanger). Now shhhh. Nap time. ZZZzzzzzzz.....

(No good link, but MLS #590952. Found by Danielle.)

They prefer hurdy gurdys. (Hurdie gurdies? Hurdies gurdy?)

STOP IT! STOP IT!

YOUR POPCORN MACHINE IS SO LOUD THAT IT'S HURTING THE MONKEY'S EARS

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TURN OFF THE POPCORN MACHINE

POOR MONKEY

POOR, POOR MONKEY

NO POPCORN FOR DEAFENED MONKEY

(Found by Anna.)

It doubles as a garbage disposal

Included: washer, dryer, spinning portal to another dimension, stove.

(Found by Carlos.)

NOW YOU WILL BE CHEERFUL.

Sorry, sorry, listings have been grim lately. Here! Cheerful! So CHEERFUL! GRITTED TEETH CHEERFUL! BE CHEERFUL, DAMN IT! NO GROCERIES UNTIL YOU'RE CHEERFUL!

(From a listing found earlier by Solvi.)

Escape from Hamster Hoosgow

"So long, suckers!" cried the hamster, knowing she could escape prison while the jailers battled the fire she'd set.

(Found by Sara. A different Sara.)

When spin art goes very, very wrong. And zombies are involved.

Ahhhhh! I warned you about the zombie Chair mob, but did you listen to me? Nooooo!


(Found by Johnathan on seattlebubble.)

Brains..... plastic braaaiiiinnnnssss.....

Help! It's just like Night of the Living Dead here. But in the day. And in a real estate listing. And with the part of Zombie Mob being played by Chairs.

But other than that, they're indistinguishable.

Flush that sadness away

I feel bad about how depressed the eleven mattress, one bathroom listing below seems to be making everyone this morning. So here! Found by Pascale (and Mid-C Frank, I see you there) on Curbed: one cheerful* listing. Two seats, no waiting!


* Cheerfulness not guaranteed.

Because Jon spent all the money on smokes and sunglasses

Life just wasn't the same for Aaden, Alexis, Collin, Hannah, Joel, and Leah after the divorce.

(Found by Meghan.)

All day, all night

No, I don't know why I have insomnia. I just sometimes get this feeling like someone's... watching me.

Yeah, them...

Specifically, that guy right there. A little privacy, please? Jesus!


(Found by Nicole.)

Cleanliness Helps Prevent Foodborne Illness

Fridge, please remember to wash your hands before returning to the kitchen. Thank you.

You'll feel a slight pinch

 

You dance divinely, my dear, simply divinely. One and two and three and dip! Wait, wait, come back! I didn't mean that kind of dip... Sorry, sorry, sorry. It won't happen again. No need for you to be so crabby... oh, crap.

(Found by Snoskred Avalanch.)

Aww, who's a cute little enormous car-eating monster? Who? Who?

NOM NOM NOM

I HAVE EATEN YOUR CAR

IT WAS NOMMY

thank you

(Found by Emily.)

The chairs GATHER toGETHER...

Things I have had in basements of various house I've lived in:
• a woodshop
  
• a motorcycle
  
• an enormous tank of heating oil
  
• a man building guitar amps out of coffee cans
  
• a recording studio
  
• a magazine's office
  
• a washer and dryer (booo, boring, booo)
  
• a flood

Things I had not previously considered having:
• a chapel

(Found by Erin.)

Taking pride in one's ethnic heritage a tad too far

What you can't see: the Scottish ninja camouflaged on the ceiling, waiting to drop on the next person to walk through the swinging doors.


(Found by Chris. Warning: music. The kind of music they play on the TV while showing "Weather around the USA!")

Estonia is known for its decorated eggs.

Estonia finally has a lovely listing, thanks to Laura... and it requires the use of the Modesty Chair. Shame, shame, Estonia.

(Immodest version here, for those of you who don't mind encouraging such behavior.)

The headless cowman

Moooo.

Oink?

Mooooooooo.



(Cow hiney found by bARRY; pig found by Thomas or Susie; hanging cow-thing found by David.)

Long Time No See

Oh, how sad. I've been neglecting poor Chair, and now Chair has to try to sneak into photos that are weird all on their own -- like this one Mandy found. Sorry, Chair!

Fixer, fixer, fixer!

Sure, this house Heather found looks cool at first glance. But do you know how much it'll cost to get a contractor to repair the laser damage from the Y-wing? And I thought getting popcorn ceilings removed was going to be bad...

(Thanks to burhanistan for stopping me from really embarassing myself with a spacecraft misidentification. X-wing? What was I smoking?)

Included: thirsty terrier

Decisions, decisions...

MLS #20920891

$1,449,000

Imagine them tap dancing. *tippety tippety tippety*

You show people in listings, and I complain. You don't show people in listings, and I complain again. Clearly this listing Liz found is an attempt at compromise, and I'm a jerk for not being satisfied. Pfft! Me.

Oh, just leave them to soak.

(I lived in NYC for seven freaking years and I never saw the famous Kitchen Tub. I don't know what I was doing wrong.)

So you might think showing that the tub is in the kitchen wouldn't really be a selling point. But no! The real estate agent has actually shown great restraint in this listing Cory found (click here for the photos). "Claw tub in kitchen," the listing sez... "and toilet in public hallway." Just think of the photo they could have used. Or don't, if you're the sensitive type. Anyway, here's to you, real estate agent with restraint!

Rental; $1,995 a month.

INCLUDED: WARMER OVEN DRAWER, FREESTANDING RANGE, DIRECT LINE TO GOD

I used to live in former convent that had been turned into a hippie commune (which I first typed as "hippie commute," an intriguing -- yet unpleasant -- idea). We'd done very little to change the house, and one day a resident pointed out to me that we were still using the nuns' old toilet seat. "Nuns' buns," he said. "Nuns' buns!"

So sure, the real estate agent can write "Home has been blessed by God's servants" in the listing. But to me? All this photo makes me think of is... how refreshing that glass of lemonade looks.

(Found by Lydia. MLS #11237950.)

The small dresser is for keeping Graham crackers in

Make s'mores in bed!

Have heart-to-heart discussions in the intimate conversation nook!

All this could be yours for just US$1,600 a month! Call now! Or not.

(Found by Ashling.)

"cats are OK - purrr" has never been less appropriate

What? Nothing wrong here.

Nope, just an apartment.

Ho hum...

AAAAHHHHH WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE

For disbelievers: really. Here it is. I've recently had a few people express disbelief that some of these photos are really from listings. But they are, they really truly are, and that's what makes the world such a wonderful place. Sometimes the listing has been taken down or changed by the time I get it posted, but the photos I use are all snagged -- by me -- from actual real estate listings. Cross my heart.

(Jake sent this to You Suck at Craigslist, who thoughtfully passed it along to me.)

Look away, children

Which is better? With?

Or without?

("With" found by Anna.)

"Buy Right Now! Sexy! High Rents!"

It's the first Hawaiian loveliness, found by Allon! And it finds me deeply confused. I've never been to Hawaii, so I don't know... but is this normal? Like, the same way that people in other states have dog houses, Hawaiians have small-scale pig farms?

I'm presuming pig farms are standard, because there's no explicit mention of it in the listing... and it does seem like something you might want to point out. It goes a bit beyond the "Oh, I thought you knew the pool table wasn't included" homebuying confusion I'm used to.

Sho I shaid, "It's YOUR convention, YOU get out," and she shaid...

Whoooooo. I'm back from the BlogHer convention and I must still be a wee bit drunk because as far as I can tell, this listing Joanne found shows one of those overstuffed sofas, just right for watching Beverly Hills 90210 while wearing your high-waist jeans and drinking Orbitz, and the sofa is leaning against a wall, and that can't be right. So carry on without me. I'll be right back after a wee lie-down. On the ceiling.