The small dresser is for keeping Graham crackers in

Make s'mores in bed!

Have heart-to-heart discussions in the intimate conversation nook!

All this could be yours for just US$1,600 a month! Call now! Or not.

(Found by Ashling.)

"cats are OK - purrr" has never been less appropriate

What? Nothing wrong here.

Nope, just an apartment.

Ho hum...

AAAAHHHHH WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE

For disbelievers: really. Here it is. I've recently had a few people express disbelief that some of these photos are really from listings. But they are, they really truly are, and that's what makes the world such a wonderful place. Sometimes the listing has been taken down or changed by the time I get it posted, but the photos I use are all snagged -- by me -- from actual real estate listings. Cross my heart.

(Jake sent this to You Suck at Craigslist, who thoughtfully passed it along to me.)

Look away, children

Which is better? With?

Or without?

("With" found by Anna.)

"Buy Right Now! Sexy! High Rents!"

It's the first Hawaiian loveliness, found by Allon! And it finds me deeply confused. I've never been to Hawaii, so I don't know... but is this normal? Like, the same way that people in other states have dog houses, Hawaiians have small-scale pig farms?

I'm presuming pig farms are standard, because there's no explicit mention of it in the listing... and it does seem like something you might want to point out. It goes a bit beyond the "Oh, I thought you knew the pool table wasn't included" homebuying confusion I'm used to.

Sho I shaid, "It's YOUR convention, YOU get out," and she shaid...

Whoooooo. I'm back from the BlogHer convention and I must still be a wee bit drunk because as far as I can tell, this listing Joanne found shows one of those overstuffed sofas, just right for watching Beverly Hills 90210 while wearing your high-waist jeans and drinking Orbitz, and the sofa is leaning against a wall, and that can't be right. So carry on without me. I'll be right back after a wee lie-down. On the ceiling.

Lifetips 101

I used to be one of those people who could never find her keys, but now I have a system. When I walk through the door I put my wallet and phone on the table, my keys in the big bowl, and right by the door I...

Floor Coverings Anonymous can help.

HELP ME

CAN'T STOP LAYING CARPET

CARPET MUST GO EVERYWHERE

I'VE ALREADY CARPETED THE LIVING ROOM, THE BEDROOMS, THE HALLWAY, AND THE CATS

NOW I MUST CARPET THE BATHROOM

EVERYTHING MUST BE CARPETED

COME BACK HERE

I MUST CARPET YOU

CAAARRRRRPEEEETTTTTT


(Found by Danielle.)

No more pesky paper cuts!

Admittedly Jane's letter opener (seen on the wall, above) is a bit on the excessive side... but you should see what she uses for a fondue fork.


(Found by Anna.)

Hail Uncle Jim!

Never point directly at the portrait of Uncle Jim.

Never allow your head to be higher than the portrait of Uncle Jim.

Never turn your back to the portrait of Uncle Jim.

Speak in quiet, reverent tones when in front of the portrait of Uncle Jim.

Do not look directly at the portrait of Uncle Jim.

Honor Uncle Jim in all your deeds and thoughts throughout the day.


(Found by Danielle.)

Blogtastic: Shy Town

I wilt in hot weather, and humidity makes me cry... so I'm off to Chicago! If you're at the BlogHer convention, please find me and say hello. I'll be the one with no social skills pretending that no, I didn't really want to mingle, I'll just stand here and stare at the wall happily, tra la la...

Comment moderation is going to be even slower than usual the next few days. Sorry. Bigots and spammers are why we can't have nice things.

Wish you were there,
Sara



P.S. Home now. Here are a few quick notes on the conference.

The half bottle of water should take care of it.

That? Oh, that's just... um... a design accent thingy. Don't you like how the splatter brings out the brown tones in the wood? The dark rust-colored tones? The bl... um... I mean, the russetness of it all?

(Found by Alicia.)

Almost, but not quite, lifelike

No. Look, I'm sorry, but I'm just not falling for it any more. You put up a listing with photos like these:

And you expect us to believe that Tasmania actually exists? Look at this!

This is so clearly computer-generated. Just give up. It's just as realistic as New Zealand (which even my browser's spelling checker knows is made-up.)

Sincerely,
Not Falling For It Any More

(Found by Kelly, who's probably in on it.)

I'll bring the paintball guns, you bring the ketchup

Behind this bland exterior lurks...

... the best darn room for a toddler's birthday party ever! Yeah! Somebody cue up the Dan Zanes CD, it's time for Pin the Magnetic Tail on the Whatever the Hell that is!


(Found by Solvi.)

I've got your "Driveway Moment" right here, NPR

Finally, a solution for those times when you're just too tired to make it all the way in to the house. Presenting: The Driveway Bed. Nighty-night!

boing boing boing

Well, what do you expect when you build your house by a fault line?

Note to self...

How helpful! This toilet comes with a handy dandy reminder that, every day at 6:20, it's time to take a bathroom break. Great for people who spend a bit too much time on the Interwebs and need to be reminded to do things like eat, shower, and change out of their pajamas.

This is why everyone should wear nametags all the time

Man, I hate mingling at parties. I just can't remember people's faces... and some parties are so much more difficult that way, like the ones where all the guest are... um... headless.

Found by Jill, a long time ago. You wouldn't believe how behind I am in my e-mail.

The best part of waking up is AAIIIIEEEEEE THE BLOOD THE BLOOD

Nothing like great shards of broken glass to add a little excitement and danger to your quotidian shower. You won't need your cup o' joe after this! (Um, because you'll be dead, not because you'll be so freaking invigorated.)


(Found by Steph, standing up for Rhode Island.)

I bought a house with popcorn ceilings, so what do I know

I would say something about this listing Stephen found, but all I can think about is cream of tomato soup.

One building; so many opportunities.

The morning amphetamines haven't kicked in yet, and I'm having a tough time figuring out what I'm looking at. Is it one of those buildings where firefighters practice with their hoses and ladders?

No, wait. It seems to be some sort of an underground bar / bathhouse.

Even the Chairs are cowering in the corner, uncertain what they're supposed to be doing about the giant manta ray that swooped down into the missile silo.

And in this room, we have a giant hatbox. Or possibly a six-foot-across wedding cake. Why? What's going to leap out of it? Will it hurt me?

Wandering over here, we seem to be in a lawyer's waiting room.

Or maybe not. I'm not saying this is a bordello. I'm just saying... never mind. On advice of the legal counsel I waited for above, I'm not saying anything.

Now we seem to be in an office. Or a movie set. Possibly a furniture showroom.

Noooo... we're in an airport? In Dubai? In 1978?

Ah hah! It's a fire station! All is clear.

(Found by Beth, who says that it isn't even in a residential area but instead is on a service road. That doesn't really help with the confusion, does it?)

This blog brought to you by the following corporate sponsors...

I've seen a lot of stupid graffiti in my time, but this... oh, dear. See it? Up there in corner? It's the frikkin' Ford logo.  And then below it, we have "Like a ROCK" (underlined three times, because the writer really means it). What are vandals coming to? Tsk tsk, modern urban yout'.

In my day we made up our own corporate mottoes, thank you very much. I still recall scrawling "PEPSI: SOME PEOPLE LIKE HOW IT TASTES" on the desk during Western Civ, and spraypainting "MOP 'N GLOW: IT MOPS AND GLOWS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT" on the overpass heading out of town...

(Found by Stacy, which I find highly suspicious.)

Tragically, this apartment building will never feel the touch of a human hand.

Is it just me, or...

Yeah, pretty certain it's just me.


(Found by Courtney. My "what's that character I'm thinking of, you know the one..." babbling figured out by Josh. Concrete picture swiped from here. Dang, that's a lotta links.)

Shall I be mother? Very very tall mother?

Yes! You sit up here:

Your guest sits up here:

...and you have the most awesome tea party ever. "Pass me the cucumber sandwiches, will you, dear?" *thwack*


(Found by Emily.)

Ah, college days

Admittedly, sofa-in-the-hedge look isn't usually a selling point. But it seems to be on fire, so the problem will've taken care of itself soon enough.


(Found by Salamanda.)

Another for the "actually I think this is awesome" file

And that, boys and girls, is why we never leave oatmeal unattended in the microwave.

(Found by Lucy.)

Always in the last place you look

 

Is it there? No...

 

Not there, either...

There it is! That's where I left the sink! Wait for me, guys, I'm coming!

Damn you, you kids and your matches and your fondness for cross-gabled Queen Anne-styled houses!

Tired of bored adolescents lighting fires in the empty house, the owners took steps to avoid any further vandalism.

Ha! Just try to set that on fire now, Drunky McTeenerson!

Chair? What Chair?

Disturbed by the many sightings of Frankenstein's Chair, scared furniture has taken to camouflage as protection.


(Found by Gav.)

Now, where'd I put my other shoe... there it is!

Everybody, cancan! LAAA la-la-la-la LA LA la-la-la-la...

(Found by Cassandra.)