Damn paparazzi

Leave the house alone, you leeches! Even the pinkest of buildings should be able to go about its business in peace. Don't you have your own house you can go take photos of?

(This invasion of privacy was found by househunter Casie.)

Your parents must be so proud.

Why not bring the charming atmosphere of a strip bar into your home, as in this listing Seth found? There's no need to stop with the pole, future owner of this "hip, modern" townhouse. Don't forget to pack your $20 Long Island Ice Tea, your curiously sticky floor, a few surgically deformed women who can barely disguise their loathing of you, and an overwhelming, suicide-inducing sense of ennui! See you at the housewarming!

Tacoma Dome

"...needs work, roof, carpet, paint, etc, deck is rotten..." So, other than the roof and the deck -- which leaves what, exactly, when you have a wall-free house? -- it's in great shape.

(I'm cheating a little, because I doubt it's possible to take a better photo of this house, but I'm so amused by the idea of a dome in Fife that I'm putting it up anyway.)

Madness in every direction

We were somewhere around Glide on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying "You'd better put up the listing..."


(Found by Becky.)

Heart and soul, la la la la la la, heart and soul, la la la la la la

"Thank you, sir, but it's time to go. Sir? Excuse me? The house has been sold... the new people would like to move in. Please, sir. Please stop playing. Please. Please. Please."

(Another find by Ekaterina.)

Forbidden knowledge

What is here in this listing Ekaterina found? We will never know. It is too glorious for our eyes and has been blurred out.



(Actually, it looks really gruesome. We all agree on what that is, right? Let's just leave it unsaid.)

Everybody's looking for something

Might I suggest wicking pajamas?


(Found by Kris. Linking is impossible, but it's MLS E3178611 in Edmonton if you're really curious.)

For deep, deep cleaning

Handtruck in the kitchen? Pshaw. How about... a lawnmower?
(Found by Mandy.)

Oh, the pain of my catharsis

Even the coffee tables are filled with ennui in this apartment found by Kelly, but don't let that stop you from living here. After all, as the listing says, "sometimes it takes a while to recognise a good thing when we see it. But when we do it imprisons our hearts. Why wouldn't you listen to your heart? The midwife listened to your heart when you were inside and it gave peace of mind to your parents... So do tell why you won't listen to your own heart? This unit is low maintenance, secure with a very good management system, it's easily accessible and it's at number thirty eight bar forty two Holly Street."

Included: fridge, oven, microwave. Not included: coherence, segues.

All the standard kitchen appliances

Insert your own "Your Mama's pancakes are so heavy..." joke here.

They can be so pushy sometimes.

"Hey, guys? It's just me, a fridge, here to share the good news about hydrochlorofluorocarbons. I saw your door was open so I let myself in... Hello? I'll just leave some pamphlets here on the shelf for you to read later..."


(Found by Elizabeth's friend. I can't find a direct link, but go here and type 101188 in the search box if you want more photos of "wood" paneling.)

You never calll, you never write...

dw found this pensive chair, sitting by itself in the warm glow of the florescent lights, staring into the fireplace, thinking about Chair and all the freedom it has...

Scavenger hunt

Somewhere in this photo, I have cleverly hidden a $600,000 house. Can you find it?

She'll be right.

"How can we take a photo in this haze? The air's as thick as a my mum's Pavlova!"

"No worries. We'll just blow the smoke away with this fan."

"Good on ya! That's that sorted, then. Take the snap and let's go to the hotel for some hunkies of snook-lolly."

"I have no idea what you just said."

"Me neither. Sorry. I think she's just making this crap up."

"Cheers."

(Found by Rowan.)

Still drunks, but they're our drunks

"Roscoe Village is like Lakeview without all the drunks and the horrible traffic!" says this optimistic real estate agent in the listing found by Alissa. Lakeview without all the drunks... because one has wandered over into the bathroom.

Cracking up, or about to punch the photographer?

She's going to kick my ass for putting this photo up, isn't she. Don't blame me! Blame Beth! She found it! Here, have a nice glass of wine and relax.

Someday it will become a state

Not everyone knows this, but -- as this listing found by Susan shows in its only photo -- here in Washington Territory, half of all houses are stockades. True!

An aside

Found by Mr Zarquon on Horrible Tattoos. (And in case you don't read the comments, here's a little something Melinda whipped up for all your Chair needs...)

*honk, honk*

My ride's here! Gotta go!

Oh, screw it

I don't know, the land is over there somewhere. Or there. I don't know. You figure it out. It's just freaking $50,000, what do you expect from me?

(Found by Aeryn. Complicated math by Tom.)

It's all here

Ooh! Lotsa photos! That's all the information I need for my million-dollar purchase. Thanks!

(Found by Mosey.)

Why so glum, chum?

Michelle found this "Perfect 1st time buyers" listing. Get it now -- it won't last long at this price!

Avoiding listings altogether

Christina found this... well, it isn't exactly a listing. And it isn't exactly real estate. But it certainly is one way to go about trying to sell a home. Besides, it's a Saturday and the It's Lovely! editorial board isn't here, so let's go nuts.

A little privacy, please? Part II

"Huge backyard with potential..." Yes, nothing but potential here:

I'll pet it and brush it and call it "AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"

Is it included? Because the listing doesn't say, and I feel that's a fairly important point.

(Found by Joey.)

You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to toss 'em on the floor

We each pick a card. High card wins the house.

(Found by Chris on The Front Steps.)

I must go down to pee again

Found on the excellent (and inspired by It's Lovely!) new blog Foute Huizen: this doomed ship. I guess when you run out of toilet paper you have a choice to make. Do you go buy more TP, or do you turn the pot into a place for your kids to play?

An old friend shows up

Chair -- get out of the fridge! Dinner will be ready any minute now.

Better than one of those shiny new outhouses

Really the photo above is an excuse for me to quote from the listing: the "old outhouse still standing!" The cabin has "not flooded that seller's know of."

What are you waiting for? It can only have become even more beautiful in the two years since the photo was taken!

In the not too distant listing...

"When will Cousin Servo come down to Earth and take me away from all this?" sighed the poor little robot, its head glowing gently in the sunlight.

(Found by Helen.)

$1399 / 3br - 3-Level TH, event horizon

Interested in renting this townhouse Amber found? Then get there quick, before it's sucked away, away, away through the black hole....

Fortunately... unfortunately...

On the positive side: Ania found this great one-bedroom apartment in Chelsea for only $1,500 a month.

On the negative side: your marble collection will always be rolling away, and there seems to be a cat burglar in the kitchen.

All for the want of a notepad

A quick browse through my Gregg manual and I see the former residents have left a message saying... hmmm... "BREAD, MILK, SPINACH, BANANAS."

I dialed 911 a long time ago / Don't you see... oh, wait, nevermind, there they are.

No, no, it's a sign of a good block to live on. Really. All the best neighborhoods have police vans parked throughout them.

(Found by Adam.)

"garage house (hollis)"

Elena found this plea for self-awareness and reflection. Remember: we are the garage houses we've been waiting for.

Wood paneling, haunt me! Wood paneling, haunt me!

Not that I admit to ever having watched any of those Flip That House! Flip It! Flip Flip Flip! shows (are they on the air any more, I wonder, now that any given house's value is likely to go down by 60% before the new owner even gets the locks changed?), but if I had, I would've seen more than one where the flipper walked around spray painting on the walls where the fridge would go, where the cabinets would go, where the wall would be knocked down for a pass-through thus exposing six inches of asbestos and two inches of black mold.

In that vein, this house comes with convenient signs showing where the blood will be trickling from the walls during your next seance. Make sure you get a good seat, kids!

Closely resembling an apartment you can rent

Yes, I would like to rent this apartment. And I will pay you my rent with this:



Found by Joe.
And just to spell it out, because someone always gets confused -- not that I blame you, I think this blog mostly gets read by people waiting for the morning coffee to kick in -- the top photo is from the listing, the bottom photo is from the It's Lovely! HQ and is of some of the VERY FINGERS THAT ARE TYPING THIS ooooh

Dear new owner...

Aw, look! They left you a little "Welcome to your new home" note.

Luxury!

All thiiiissss... could be youuuuurrrrsssss....


(Found by Elizabeth.)

Trial Version!

This happy crew was found by Mr. Zarquon. I think it's sweet that the three women haven't shunned the conjoined twins in the middle.

Suck it in just a little further, buddy...

Peek-a-boo! I see you! You should learn how to crop photos, too!

To be fair: he is hiding behind the cupboard. To be even more fair: he's hiding on the wrong frikkin' side of the cupboard.


(Found by Tim.)

The Citgo sign is just out of the frame

So that's what's on the other side of the Green Monster. I think they make David Ortiz go there when they can't take his spitting one... minute... longer.

Humanity won't be happy until the last interior decorator...

I'm not much of a class warrior, for the good reason that I'm firmly middle class and wouldn't know who to go to war against, or what my agenda should be: jogging strollers for all? Give us Costco executive membership or give us death? Don't tread on me, please?

But when I see a listing like this one, found by MidC Frank, I think it might be time for a little adjustment in our economic system. If you're going to spend ten million clams and do this... well, maybe you'd be happier out here in suburbia with me.


(Also found by Cara, who saw it on blog.deleteyourself.com, but I'd already written this entry so Cara just gets the small letters. And then Melanie sent me it. You see a big nekkid lady, you think of me. Hurray! No, really, hurray. Thanks to all three of you. I couldn't do this without the e-mails I get.)

Built during the bricklayers' strike of 1918

Oh, I don't know. Just put some bricks there. No, like that. That! OK, now put some.... I don't know.... there. Or there, whatever, I don't care, just slap the bricks together and let's call it a day.

This is Allston, not LA

Aww, Elizabeth found a listing in Allston, my old home. I appreciate the honesty. The real estate agent could've had the kitchen as the main photo, or an exterior, or really pretty much anything, but he went with the graffittied garage. Start planning your keggers now! Tell the rugby team the party's at your place!

P.S. I actually lived in Lower Allston, which is entirely different.

It's the mud creature!

Go, stroller, go! The mud creature's nearly got you! Roll as fast as your little wheels can carry you!