Bedroom / window / closet? Don't be so picky.

"Nice Size Bedroom ,Closet & Window" says this listing Michelle found. I see how this is a bedroom and closet, but how is it a window?

Oh, Adobe, you have so much to answer for

I have never been at a loss for words before. But... this listing... this listing found by Sarah... I just... what?

what

what what what

what

I am the... what was I saying?

I know y'all said those were Bible verses in the Jon & Kate house, but come on. Nobody would really have religious messages in their listings, would they? That would just be weird.

Oh.

Wait.

(Found by Christine.)

Hello, ossifer, what seems to be the problem?

Shhhh. Everyone be quiet and maybe he'll go away.


(Found by Kris.)

Lord, this must be my destination

Lizzie found this painfully honest listing. At least I hope it's honest. Because if they're writing "what is nestled next to a grave yard, a rundown eye sore and pink all over?" in a listing and that isn't honesty -- if they're actually hiding, you know, the bad qualities while including several photos of the graves right over the fence -- than just what could be in that basement? Radon? A burst sewer pipe? Bigfoot?

THEY'RE MELTING! THEY'RE MELTING!

kw found these photos. I'm not one for using my kids photos on craigslist, so this kind of makes sense. On the other hand, OH MY GOD WHAT'S WRONG WITH THEM?!?

So it's kind of a toss up.

I have poor impulse control

Rar! I want to go on a spree in this room! Throw paint! Wear my outside shoes! Jump up and down! Roast a pig! Move one chair a fraction of an inch away from the wall and watch the homeowner go insane!

"Be aware of transients living throughout property."

Heather found this listing, with its friendly advice that one should "be aware of transients living throughout the property." I like the offhand tone. Oh, those? The things scattered throughout the property? They're just transients. Tra la la..."

And the photo? What? What's the problem with this photo? Would you prefer to have the mattresses inside the house? I think not.

They've already changed the listing, the spoilsports, but here you go:

Look away, children

"How is this porn?" you might ask, disappointed. But look at it. Look at the filthy, filthy listing Esmee found. Take a closer look:



It's clearly fish heading upstream. And why do fish head upstream?

You know.

Fish business.

Nasty fish business.

Tsk tsk tsk.

Everybody say "I like it!"

The house, the house, the house is on fire!

We don't need no water 'cause it's actually just paint


(Found by Toni.)

A humble listing

I spend a ridiculous amount of time looking at listings, and I'm finding this one refreshing. No "A little TLC and this gem will shine!" No "Act now because this one's going fast!" No "A total remodel!" Just "front of house looks average." Ho hum.

Hi!

Katt found this welcoming seller. Yes, it's true that she has no eyes and instead has one of those Cylon beep-beep-beep visors. But it's yellow, which is cheerful! So don't be afraid! C'mon in!

So you don't get wet, of course

Maja would like the world to know that no, despite the evidence above, it is not normal for Germans to use umbrellas while taking showers. Uh-huh.

We are sailing, we are sailing...

Man, this room was made for kids to play Lifeboat on. Don't let your feet touch the carpet! No, really, I mean it, don't let your feet touch the carpet. Not because you're playing Lifeboat, but because the dust bunnies will leap out and kill us all.

House for sell!!!!

Mary the Nebraska Realtor has found another doozy. Incapable of picking which photo is my favorite, I choose them all.

"Why does this keep getting taken down?" Why? Why is The Man keeping Angela down?

Seven years of bad listings

Ooh, that must've made an interesting sound when it broke...

I admit nothing

Since people I know in real life read this blog (or at least humor me by saying they do when I tug on their sleeves), I will not admit to being familiar with "Jon & Kate Plus 8". However, if I had ever watched that show late at night when I couldn't sleep and my God it's fascinating hoooo boy what with all the sippy cups and the chaos and the nervous breakdowns peeking over the horizon... anyway... when I got an e-mail from steph saying this was their house, I might've been particularly happy about seeing the listing.

But it's driving me absolutely nuts that I can't read these notes.

Edit: OK, some of you think those are Bible verses. I say you're loony. If you had eight kids and a TV crew running around your house, would you need Bible verses to look at while you brushed your teeth? Heck no. You'd need much more practical reminders. I think, if I squint, I can just make out what they say:

- THE SCHOOL BUS COMES AT 7:45 AM

- MILK, BREAD, APPLES, TOILET PAPER

- OUR KIDS NAMES ARE: CARA, ALEXIS, COLIN, HUNTER, GATHERER, MANNY, MO, JACK

- FIRST BRA, THEN SHIRT

NOW NOW NOW

I HAVE TO TAKE THE PHOTOS NOW

NO TIME TO WAIT FOR YOU GUYS TO GET OUT OF THE WAY



NO TIME TO TURN 90 DEGREES AND POINT THE CAMERA IN ANOTHER DIRECTION



NOW NOW NOW

(Found by Cecile. Once again I have a "I think someone else sent me this, but what did I do with it?" sensation.)

*sigh*

There's something about this listing that makes me feel... sad. A bit down in the dumps. Mildly unhappy. No, that's not it... melancholy? My hopes have been unfulfilled. :( . Things just don't feel right. I'm feeling the pressure of the times. I'm gloomy. I'm as melancholy as a gib cat, as grave as a mustard pot. Looking at the photo just makes me feel...

Nope, can't come up with the word, sorry.


Found by Mr. Zarquon on Magnolia Voice.

The land of smiles

I'm moving to Thailand! I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's something in this listing Tristan found that made me think I'd be really happy to live there!

Faster! Faster!

Katie found this listing, which includes the above photo of a wheelchair on a treadmill. I'm trying and trying to think of the purpose, but...

OH HI GUYS WHAT ARE YOU DOING

Probably it's because I read 1984 at an impressionable age, but this listing (found by Susan) is giving me the creeps. Why is the TV watching the bed? Why won't it go away? Please go away, TV. Please give the nice people some privacy.

P.S. I know I've been sent this before, but I can't find the original e-mail or any post I made from it. So apologies to whoever sent it. And more apologies if I'm repeating myself. And I apologize for that parking job -- I really could've done better. And I'm sorry that I don't always wash the empty containers properly before I put them in the recycling bin. And I'm sorry that I'm using such small type here. It must really be hard on your eyes.

This one's for all the parents out there

OK, parents, 'fess up: you've done it, too, right? Look under the table to see what I'm talking about.

But -- and it's a big but -- here's the difference. Have you ever left a diaper on the floor and then listed your house on the interweb machines for everyone (including Kati, who found it) to see?

Oh.

You have?

Sorry.

Carry on.

Exterminate! Exterminate! With marshmallows on top!

Run, stove, run! Oh no... it didn't make it out in time.

Who could've done such a terrible thing? Why, it was none other than the evil YAMBOT. Half sweet potato, half robot, all villain.

(Found by Be This Way.)

Greetings from Me-Kwa-Mooks

Yes, this is what all real estate listings look like here in Seattle. Some day we will build houses, but for now it's just boats.

Hangin' out at the Gas 'n' Sip

Heather found this sofa convention. Why not include it in the listing? They're not hurting anyone. Hanging out, just hanging out.

This little room from the same listing, however... I don't want to know what happens in there, I really don't. Please don't tell me. I'm just going to say it's a pie safe and leave it at that.

Not included: cobbler

Ooh! Blackberry bushes! How unusual! Sold -- I'll take it!

Someone didn't get the memo

"Uh, Toaster Oven? Yeah, we were all kind of going for a theme, you know? Phone wore its dial, and Cabinets all came with their steel fronts. Even Bathroom Floor agreed to dress up in pink and gray. So... what I'm saying... look, it's nothing personal, but toaster ovens don't really go with what we're trying to do, okay? So, if you wouldn't mind just, you know, going for a walk or something? Thanks, man. No hard feelings, right?"

(Via Metafilter.)

✡! (whee I'm playing with Unicode)

I suppose I'm cheating by including this photo from a listing Matt found. I don't think it's really the Realtor's fault. I mean, there's a big frikkin' Star of David on the living room floor. What are you going to do? Not take a photo of it?

do not click (you have been warned)

IT'S ANOTHER ONE
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE
GAHHHHH

In England they call them "pot plants"

I've been wrong before... I could be wrong again.

For people with good pedigrees

"What?" you're thinking. "So it's cluttered and fussy and I'm glad I don't have to dust it, but what's so off about this listing Mid-C Frank found?"

Keep looking. Keeeep looking....

Hey, man, what's under the tarp?

What could be under the plastic tarp that's uglier than... a plastic tarp? It must be hideous, because otherwise they would just move the tarp out of the way before taking the photo. Right?

(You're thinking "It's a corpse," aren't you. We all are. We just don't want to say it.)

It won't get far on foot

"So long, suckers!" yelled the trampoline, running for the woods.

Brotherhood of the Plumbed Things

Thanks for coming, Washing Machine and Bathtub. As you know, I've wanted to have a meeting of Things That Require Plumbing for a long time, and -- being a sink -- I couldn't come to you. Bathtub, I see you already have a copy of tonight's agenda. Wait... Washing Machine... who's that standing behind you? Dryer? Does Dryer require plumbing? No! Therefore Dryer shouldn't be here tonight! Man, you couples that go everywhere together creep me out. Dryer, could you wait outside please?

Getting to know yooouuuu

I have nothing against laundry lines. I use one myself, in the three weeks a year when it isn't raining here. But if my house were for sale, would I include a photo of my laundry line? I would not. Especially if it weren't even my line, but it was the neighbor's line. Or maybe it's a house down the street. I can't even tell what freakin' house this is supposed to be part of.

I wonder if the people in the house know it's for sale? This has "Surprise! You're evicted!" written all over it.

Thanks, fairy godmother!

Jill found this Utahan Cinderella, waiting for the pumpkin coach to pull up and whisk her to the ball...

Utahan?
Utahesque?
Utite?
Utahstic?

Included: washer, dryer, wrath of God

Louisa found this sign of the apocalypse charming three-bedroom home. "Motivated seller"? Perhaps motivated by the DOOM DOOM DOOOOOOM in the sky overhead?

DOOOOOOOM.

DOOOM.

Doom. But kinda pretty doom, in a doomish sort of way.

Korch? Katio? Keck?

Kim found this listing. She was intrigued by the bathroom which, I will admit, has a certain oh-my-gawdness about it:



But for me, it's the... porch? Kitchen? Korch? Pitchen? I have no idea what this room is:


Maybe it's because I live in a rainforest, but this makes no sense to me.

I've never been to Texas. Is this, like the outdoor washers and dryers in Southern California, totally normal? You guys are all, "Four walls? Hell, no!" and just have your kitchens hanging out in the back yard?

Wahooo!

Thanks to Allison for this exciting listing! Yeah! Let's go buy a house! A house that looks oddly like a motel! But who am I to judge? My house looks oddly like a thrift store! So... go, househunters!

"The best I can do is post some with my family in them."

What? What more do you need? This is what you would look like if you lived here. So. D you want it or not?

(Found by Anna.)