Vrrrroomba

I don't know much about staging, but one thing I'm pretty certain about: just because your minibike matches your vacuum cleaner doesn't mean you should park it in the dining room.

Hi!

Hi! Mind if I disturb your bookkeeping for just one sec? My organization is in your neighborhood tonight, collecting for the Fund to Help People Who Need More Household Textiles. Do you happen to have any spare household textiles? We'll take anything.

No?

You sure?

You don't have any household textiles you can spare?

You're using it all?

Well, okay. Thanks for your time!

Fruithat

At night the baseball hats wake up and swoop around the house, eating bugs. They avoid hitting the walls by use of sonar. Although people are afraid they might get tangled in their hair, most baseball hats are harmless.

(Found by Helen.)

Bathing with nature

Well, yes, this "flexible living & dining" room Natalia found could use a fresh coat of paint and a go with the Swiffer. But it gets more... um... blank canvasy outside:


I'm 99% certain that's where the toilet is. Or is it the "open-air bathroom" -- that is, the room with the bath? And which would you prefer?

Another moment of international solidarity

See? As this listing Ben found clearly shows, Americans are not the only gun nuts. Let us all unite in our love of handguns! Lots of handguns! Handguns out on the wall where anyone can get them!


(You're on your own with the whole sofa-in-the-kitchen thing, though.)

You monsters!

I... I don't understand. What are these people doing to the Chairs? They'll squish them! Get off them, you fiends!


(Found by s.e.)

No, really, they're called "studettes." Tee hee hee.

Ah, the French. So sophisticated. When American landlords offer bathrooms to live in, they're just ratholes like this one. But look at this "studette" Maï found! Check out the swank shower curtain, and the skylight! Imagine the delightful dinner parties you could host, the sparkling conversation... until one of your guests needs to use the bathroom, and things suddenly become rather awkward.

No you cannot have the remote

Come on, buddy. Back in the wall. No need to cause a fuss.


(Found by Cathy in NY.)

Included: timeout

I'm not addicted. I can stop putting up photos of Chair any time I want.

Thank you for not making me a footstool

Shhh. Chair and Chair's friend, Chair, are praying.

Chairman of the board

Found by Charlene: this... uh... apartment? Help me, Google... Ah, now it makes sense. It's a "Board of 8m ² and 22m3 on the 3rd floor," complete with a "toilet on the floor." Que bueno.

A blow for international understanding

Think that Japanese people are fastidious? Ha! Feast your eyes on this listing Emily found, and feel your outdated cultural stereotypes dissolve!

It's a world of garbage, a world of crumbs
A world of cleaning left undone
A world we all share and it's time we were aware
We're all messy after all...

"massive walking clothest"

There...

Back in the bathroom...

Is it?

Oh dear. I think it is. Hold on while I get a Modesty Chair... Okay, here you go. Make up your own mind.



(Found by Cam, who has an impressive eye for detail.)

Windows Protection Error

Eh, it's just a window. Not very exciting.

What's that?

You want the window to be exciting?

Well: ta dah! Here you go. From another listing, for a house that's six kilometers (I speak Australian!) away:


Now, that's an exciting listing! Yeah! I'll buy it!


(Both listings found by Marsha.)

A "lose face" joke would be too predictable

"Man, I'm really too embarrassed to have this portrait of grandma in the messy, messy listing. What should I do? Should I clean my house before taking the photos? No, that's crazy talk. I know! I'll drape a cloth over it! And then, after I take the photos, I'll scribble over them with a Sharpie! Grandma would be so proud."

(Found by Emily.)

Ceremonial leaving of the housewarming present

Househunter M. Flavius Aurelius saw this listing in a real estate agent's office window. Sure, from my American perspective it looks... ah... not really all that inviting. But careful research reveals that, in Australia, a house really isn't considered to be "warmed" until a dog has circled it three times, dragging its behind along the lawn.

This photo shows that the house comes pre-christened, which increases the sale price by an average of AUS$10,000. Cheers!

I just spent far too long trying to figure out if the dog was going widdershins, given that this is the Southern hemisphere... almost as long as I spent previously trying to figure out if Australia really was antipodal to me [it isn't]. I need a special vocabulary list just for Austral listings.)

Come on in! The water's lovely!

Happy Memorial Day weekend, everyone -- especially househunter Julie, who found this inviting "Swimming Pool/Hot Tub/Sauna"! We'll all be there for your pool party... I've got my onion dip all ready to go.

Amazing tile, how sweet the gloss

Shhhh. Please be quiet; they're about to have Spock's funeral.

(Rrrrr! Paramount has had all the clips they [and I] can find of that scene from Star Trek II taken down, so I can't put a nice little segment here showing that I'm not insane. And maybe I am, I don't know, but I swear that was the first thing I thought of when Holly sent me this. Just load up the space casket, put it on the counter, and shove him out the airlock at the end... on the other hand, I just woke up and this might make no sense. On the third hand, it's not like the posts I write in the middle of the day make sense, either.)

Hi!

Yes, there's a lot to wonder about in this listing Jason found. So many, many bad photo choices. But my eye is caught by those blue kegs. What do they contain? Blue paint? Is this where the Blue Man Group hangs out, where they stockpile their spare paint? Somehow I pictured something more glamorous for them... but what do I know about showbiz? (Answer: bupkis.)

Alley-oop!

"...spiritualists and religious communities tend to interpret metaphysical levitation as the supernatural action of the Holy Spirit, a God, a poltergeist, psychokinesis, or some other being or force within their own belief system." Realtors, on the other hand, know that levitation is an indication of Full Fished Basement W Ceramic Tiles And Brand New Bar.

(Found by Kalissa.)

Peek-a-boo

How thoughtful -- they left a cosy little nook for Chair. And clearly they're respecting Chair's autonomy, as nobody would ever want to sit there. It is for Chair, and Chair alone.

(Found by Carmen.)

Isn't it odd and unique?

I have absolutely no idea what I'm looking at here. It's a... door? That opens? Onto a wall? With an Iron Maiden poster stuck on a mural and a framed picture tucked kind of behind it? That can't be right, but what can?

Fortunately the listing, found by Michelle in Arizona, explains the other photos. It "Boasts a neo-gothic rock wall in the living room. It would be a great starter home for a new home buyer with the Seattle / grunge upbringing." See? There it is!



Or maybe it isn't. Maybe the top photo is the neo-gothic rock wall. And what's a grunge upbringing? Are people actually raising children in grunge, like bringing them up in a church? (I'm raising my children in grunge, but it's just because I spend all my time on the interweb and none of it cleaning the house.)

But anyway. Come on, the real estate agent's coming over. The least you can do is tuck the mummy back in the sarcophagus. People!

For all your motion capturing / living room needs

Lazy contractor, finishing with just the grid lines up. Go on, control-paste the ceiling and then you'll be done...

(Found by Isabel.)

Included: CREATURES OF THE NIGHT

Aw, who's a cute little listing? Who? Who? You is! You is a cute little listing!


(Found by Crys.)

While the armchair is distracted by the TV...

Chair! Not in the dining room! Shame on both of you.

It's spring...

...and that means it's shedding time. Shed shed shed.


(Found by Stefan.)

Chair is everywhere

More Chair than you'll know what to do with can be found on Jens Thiel's functionalfate.org. Chair... so much Chair... Chair upon Chair, which I'm not sure I approve of:



By a weird coincidence, I got an e-mail from Jens as I was writing this. Coincidence -- or the power of Chair?

Reports of Elmo's demise...

Ah, don't worry: he's okay after all.

POTUS

Bored with retirement, George has taken up vandalizing houses as a hobby.

We don't need no water...

No, wait, actually we do.

Guess what?

Bear butt!



(Found by Pamm.)

La-la la la, la-la la la, Elmo's Wall

What have you done to Elmo? Oh, you fiends! Why? Why?

And it gets worse outside, as chase pointed out. Small children, look away!


Modesty Chair applied to protect the innocent. Smuttier people can click on the photo below for Chair-on-Chair action (and shame on those people for looking).

We represent the Realtor's Guild, the Realtor's Guild, the Realtor's Guild

A teeny tiny little real estate agent took this photo, holding the camera as high as he or she could. The camera was too heavy for the teeny tiny little real estate agent's arms; thus the blurriness. Poor teeny tiny little real estate agent.

Rar!

THEY'RE HERE! THEY'RE HERE! EVERYBODY RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! WOMEN AND BLOGGERS FIRST! AAAAAHHHHHHH!



(Note: the bottom photo is not from the listing. My young son just did that for me. Should I report myself to CPS and just get it over with?)

We're #1

Heather found this listing. Tum-te-tum, just a perfectly normal room, nothing to see here, nothing at all.

Move along folks, no reason for you to be thinking of crime scenes... I'm sure there are plenty of kids' games that involve flash cards like these:

(Note: this photo is not from the listing. Just a year ago I wouldn't've thought that would be necessary to point out, but some of the things I've seen...)

Children's games like Find The Bullet Fragment and Blood Splatter, Blood Splatter, Who's Got the Blood Splatter! Or my kids' favorite, Pass the Possible Murder Weapon. Ah, sweet childhood.

Included: smelling salts

I don't understand what I'm looking at. I just don't. Even though it's just a tiny photo Danny found, it's somehow setting off my vertigo. I see the figure in the corner, then my eye wanders up to the ceiling fan, then whoomp next thing I know I've passed out on the floor.

But other lands have Chair, too, and arrows

Chair's Finnish trip, as found by Sanna, continues.

Rorschach house

What do you see in the top picture? A butterfly? Interesting, interesting... and in the bottom picture, what's that? Oh, no reason, I'm just curious...

(Found by Cindy.)